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TRANSCRIPT

An innocent looking little girl is standing in front of Congress talking to an elephant
and a donkey.
ELEPHANT AND DONKEY
Congratulations!!! You win!!! Hooray!!!
GIRL
What did I win?
ELEPHANT
You were born in the greatest country in the world!
DONKEY
And in all of history!!!
GIRL
Hooray for me! But why is it the best country ever?
ELEPHANT
It’s the land of the free and the home of the brave!
DONKEY
And it was created by the people, for the people!
GIRL
Well, I’ll just be getting on with my life and enjoying my freedom now. Bye.
ELEPHANT
Hold on. You’ll need to read the rulebook first.
DONKEY
Trust me. You do not want to break any of the rules.
NARRATOR
A little while later…
GIRL
I was reading your rulebook, and there were a lot of rules in there that I didn’t agree with…and
not just a little bit. Some of those rules seriously contradict my moral values, and some other
ones are blatantly illogical. Here, let me point out a few of the more glaring examples.
ELEPHANT
Hold it right there, terrorist! It works like this. You follow the rules we give you. If you don’t
then we lock you in prison for a long time, and after we let you out we tell everyone not to hire
you because you’re a bad person.
DONKEY
Just don’t treat your pets the way you were treated in prison or you’ll go to prison.
GIRL
I appreciate that you have a job to do, and it’s not easy keeping a nation in the balance between
order and anarchy, but I simply can’t honor any external laws that violate my core principles,
especially when you just said that this country was built by the people, for the people. If the
highest authority in the land is the people then I’m putting my foot down on this.
ELEPHANT
I don’t think you understand, we pay an army of well-armed, unquestioning mercenaries and
ideologues that can and will make you follow any rule we hand down to them.
GIRL
Where do you get the money for that?
DONKEY
About that…here’s the bill.
GIRL
What?! You want me to pay other people to force me to follow rules I don’t agree with and that
they might not even agree with?
ELEPHANT
We’re not asking anyone.
DONKEY
We’re telling you.
GIRL
I’m not going to finance my own oppression. I won’t pay.
ELEPHANT
Then you’re going to prison.
DONKEY
The rule book is very clear about this. It’s against the law not to pay us whatever we tell you that
you have to pay us.
GIRL
That’s the very definition of extortion! That’s stealing!
ELEPHANT
That’s not stealing. We build roads with that money too. You like roads don’t you?
GIRL
I’m old enough to know what a straw man argument is. The fact that I give you some of my
money to do the job I hired you to do doesn’t give you the right to claim more of my money to
finance terrorizing me.
ELEPHANT
Actually, we decide what we have the right to do.
DONKEY
That’s how being in power works.
GIRL
This system sucks. What do I have to do to change it?
ELEPHANT
Luckily we have the best system in the entire world to make sure you get what you want! Vote
for me. I’ll fix everything.
DONKEY
He said that before and he only made it worse. Vote for me and I’ll fix everything.
ELEPHANT
No! He said that before and he only made it worse. Vote for me and I’ll fix everything.
DONKEY
No! Vote for me and I’ll fix everything. Ha ha ha ha
GIRL
That’s it. I’m immigrating to another country.
ELEPHANT
In theory, you have that right, but seriously, we’ll see you next April.
DONKEY
We made it as hard as possible for the poor to leave any country.

THE END