October 22, 2017

(Comic) Intervention With A Pop Star: Part 1

By wise sloth

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The Adventures of Monk and Punk: Journey to Entlantis

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Illustrated Parables
An Old Man From Jersey Explains Life

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This Was Your Life

Loki and a friend taunt the dead at the Pearly Gates to the Underworld

 

TRANSCRIPT

 

Two girls are standing in a hallway next to a door talking. Then they go through the
door where they meet a psychologist.
FRIEND
Okay, pop star. This is where your fan club meeting is.
POP STAR
This is a weird place for a fan club meeting.
Pop Star and her friend walk through the door. Inside is a psychologist’s office. A man is sitting
in a chair.
POP STAR
Oh no! Only one fan showed up?!?! And he’s old!?!
DR. PHILPOT
This isn’t a fan club meeting, and I’m not a fan per se. My name is Dr. Philpot, and I’m a clinical
therapist. Your friend brought you here today for an intervention.
POP STAR
Is that like a total make-over?!?!
DR. PHILPOT
If it helps you can think of it as a make-over for the mind.
POP STAR
Are we both going to get a make-over?
FRIEND
No. I’m good. Call me when you’re done.
The friend leaves.
POP STAR
Okay, so how does this work?
DR. PHILPOT
Just lie down on that couch and get comfortable. Then we’re just going to talk.
Pop Star sits down.
Why did you change your name to “pop star?”
POP STAR
Because that’s who I am, and that’s what I do.
DR. PHILPOT
So you feel your new name is more honest and straightforward? Is that the message you’re
trying to communicate?
POP STAR
Sure. That and it tested well with focus groups.
DR. PHILPOT
Let’s talk about the messages you’re communicating in your song lyrics.
POP STAR
Like, almost all of my songs are about relationships.
DR. PHILPOT
Your target audience is mostly teens who are preparing for the rest of their lives while wrestling
with big decisions and big changes. So why is it that most of your songs focus almost exclusively
on the topic of relationships?
POP STAR
My songs totally prepare teens for life. It’s like one of my earlier songs said, “All you need is
love.”
DR. PHILPOT
In another song you said, “You ain’t got anything if you ain’t got love.” Do you believe that?
POP STAR
I backed that up in the song, “love lifts us up where we belong.” I mean, it’s where we belong.
How can I make that any clearer?
DR. PHILPOT
Have you ever considered that this extreme emphasis on love might be oversimplifying life a
little and possibly distracting or confusing the younger and more impressionable members of
your audience?
POP STAR
Distracting them? From what? What else would I sing about?
DR. PHILPOT
For starters, what about education? You could implore young people to travel, to question their
beliefs, to think logically. In a word, self-improvement.
POP STAR
That’s not romantic!
DR. PHILPOT
Actually, it’s the foundation of romance. How can you know who will make a compatible life
partner if you’ve never defined or refined who you are? Furthermore, the less you’ve defined
yourself the harder it is to achieve happiness because you haven’t defined your wants, goals or
expectations, which makes them impossible to fulfill.
POP STAR
Whatever. Self-help books don’t complete you. Finding the perfect person does.
DR. PHILPOT
Two incomplete people can’t complete each other. And again, how will you know who you’re
compatible with until you fully understand yourself?
POP STAR
When you meet that perfect person you just know.
DR. PHILPOT
But upon first meeting someone you don’t know anything about them.
POP STAR
Why do you need to know everything about them? So you can judge them? So you can measure
them? Love is blind. The whole point of love is you accept the other person just as they are.
DR. PHILPOT
See, the message you’re sending to children there is that they don’t need to improve themselves,
and they should endure any manner of neglect and abuse by their partners in the name of a fuzzy
ideal. This is not a solid foundation to build lasting, meaningful, healthy relationships on. I mean,
do you believe a woman in an abusive or unfulfilling relationship should get a divorce?
POP STAR
Uh, duh? Obviously. Any man of mine better walk the line.
DR. PHILPOT
Have you ever considered writing a few songs that define the preconditions of a healthy
relationship or set useful boundaries? Maybe even songs offering advice on how to achieve
compromise?
POP STAR
You’d have to be stupid not to know that stuff already, and why is it my responsibility to teach
them that anyway?
DR. PHILPOT
Because you’re a pop star, and Children see you as an authority figure. Also, remember that
people listen to your songs over and over again. So your words get pounded into their memory.
And when the only thing they hear from you is that the only thing they should be focusing on in
their life right now is getting in a relationship and staying there, it can have a profound impact on
their priorities. The fact that some of them might not be smart enough to see that makes it all the
more important for you to shape your message responsibly.
POP STAR
You’re acting like I’m killing people. What’s the worst that could happen?
DR. PHILPOT
People may rush into unhealthy relationships, stay in abusive relationships, neglect other
responsibilities, kill themselves after a breakup or simply feel incomplete when there’s no reason
to.
POP STAR
Do you really think so? People will always think with their genitals, which is what love songs are
ultimately appealing to. How will that ever go out of style?
DR. PHILPOT
Culture is always evolving, and it’s evolving faster now than ever before. Counterproductive
norms are becoming obsolete in a fraction of the time it took before the invention of the internet.
Codependency can’t remain the norm forever. Ignorance is becoming more and more taboo, and
it’s only a matter of time before enlightenment goes mainstream. The only question is whether
your career will be riding that wave or be crushed by it.
POP STAR
You’ve given me a lot to think about. I’m going to have to talk to my manager about this. Before
I go though I have one question. You said you weren’t going to bother appealing to my emotions
or my sense of right and wrong. What would you have said if you thought that would help?
DR. PHILPOT
Tonight I want you to spend an hour gazing at the stars and contemplating the beauty, scarcity,and value of life in this universe. Then ask yourself, if you had a chance to make your brothers’
and sisters’ lives even a little better. then how could you possibly pass up such a profound
opportunity?

THE END

Leave a comment   |  tags: , , , , , , , , , | posted in How America Works, Movies and Television

October 22, 2017

(Comic) How Universities Work

By wise sloth

(Comic) How Universities WorkIf you enjoyed this comic, you’ll also like these:

 

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Two Conservative Ladies

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Two Feminist Ladies
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The Adventures of Monk and Punk: Journey to Entlantis

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  • Book 1: Chapter #1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9
  • Book 2: Chapter #1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9
Illustrated Parables
An Old Man From Jersey Explains Life

An old man sits on the steps to his apartment and explains life to an eight-year-old boy.

This Was Your Life

Loki and a friend taunt the dead at the Pearly Gates to the Underworld

TRANSCRIPT

 

A college student is standing in a classroom speaking to a professor.

Kid: Hey, bro. Can I ask you something?

Professor: First, let’s get one thing straight. I’m a professor with a doctorate degree. So you will preface my name with the word, “doctor.”

Kid: Sorry. It’s against my religion to address other people with a higher title than me.

Professor: What!? That’s not in any religion! Which religion do you think said that?

Kid: Reason. My religion is reason.

Professor: Silly boy, that’s not legally recognized as a religion.

Kid:…only because it’s based on reality.

Professor: I don’t have time to argue with a child about how you expect the world to operate. Just address me with a higher title than you, and let’s move on.

Kid: No. Not until you give me a reason why.

Professor: I didn’t go to eight years of school for nothing!

Kid: Yeah, you went to eight years of school for an education and a higher paycheck.

Professor: …and to deserve to be called doctor by people foolish enough to be born after me or poorer than me.

Kid: Will I get to be addressed with a higher title just for doing whatever benefits me for eight years?

Professor: No. It only counts if you do exactly what I did.

Kid: Don’t get me wrong. That’s cool that you went to school for so long, but I still don’t see how that obligates me to subjugate myself to you.

Professor: Oh, children are so naïve it makes my head hurt! Look, I went to school for eight years. How do you not understand that?

Kid: So who else gets to demand that other people stroke their ego by addressing them a higher title?

Professor: Military officers, politicians, clergy, and bosses in general.

Kid: So basically, anyone who controls other people deserves to be addressed with a higher title, and anyone who is controlled deserves to subjugate themselves?

Professor: Now you’re talking like a mature adult! Anyway, what did you want to talk to me about?

Kid: Well, doctor, I just wanted to know if I passed my last assignment.

Professor: Yes, you passed, but you got a C, and I know you can do better. So I just have to ask, are you on drugs?

Kid: No. It’s just that I didn’t care about the assignment. So I didn’t bother wasting too much of my precious life on it.

Professor: You have a piss poor attitude, son.

Kid: I’m not your son, and I don’t understand how I have a piss poor attitude.

Professor: It takes so much hard work to get a college degree because a college degree is a badge of maturity that proves how much hard work you’re capable of doing.

Kid: Dude, this class has nothing to do with my career path. Why does it make me a failure if I don’t do well at something I don’t want to do and will never do again?

Professor: I’m a doctor, not a dude, and it seems like the real question is why you’re wasting my time if you don’t even want to be in this class?

Kid: Your school made me take this class for no other reason that I can see other than to charge me more money!

Professor: You kids are so naïve. Colleges don’t make students take superfluous classes just to make money. We’re not here to make money. We’re here to educate young minds.

Kid: So I suppose texts books don’t cost $130 just because you can get away with charging that much.

Professor: Well, point in fact, textbook prices are a racket. Everybody knows that, but nobody will do anything about it.

Kid: Everybody also knows that the higher cost of tuition rises the higher the glass ceiling rises for the poor.

Professor: What liberal, biased news anchor did you learn that “fact” from?

Kid: …all of my social science classes. Look, if you’re going to force me to become a debt slave for the rest of my life to get a college education, can you at least make the classes relevant and useful?

Professor: But every class is relevant and useful! If you took it at college then it must be!

Kid: I learned in Logic 101 that that’s a circular argument. Qualify your statement.

Professor: Every class you take was made by a person with a doctorate degree who is smarter than you. So if you don’t understand its value then the reason why must be because you’re not smart enough to understand.

Kid: “Appeal to authority” is another form of logical fallacy. I’m going to need you to try harder.

Professor: Look, all of the work you’re doing in college is preparing you to succeed in business in ways you’ll only be able to understand after you enter the workforce.

Kid: So after I start working at another job other than all the ones I’ve already had I’ll understand the profound value of writing essays nobody (even you) wants to read, cramming references int said essays and giving PowerPoint presentations to people who don’t care about topics that I’ve just been introduced to while my teacher zones off in the corner?

Professor: Yes, you see, for the rest of your life you’re going to work for totalitarian dictators who need you to perform personally unrewarding tasks to make your bosses rich. And they’ll need you to delegate more loathsome tasks to people younger and poorer than you. So it’s essential that you learn to put up with bullshit now.

Kid: So you’re training me to be a good house nigger?

Professor: That word is insensitive. Use the term, “house slave” instead.

Kid: I thought you were supposed to teach young people to think.

Professor: No, but that sure sounds good on paper, doesn’t it?

Kid: So what did you teach me logic for?

Professor: I was just joking. There’s no big conspiracy. This school’s faculty is just woefully incompetent because they all went to schools that prioritized profit over education.

Kid: That’s it. I’m filing a student complaint.

Professor: HHAAAHAAHA HAHAAHHAHA HA HAHA

The End

Leave a comment   |  tags: , , , , , , , , , | posted in Flaws in the Public Education System, How America Works

October 22, 2017

(Comic) How Equality Works

By wise sloth

(Comic) How Equality Works

 

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  • Book 2: Chapter #1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9
Illustrated Parables
An Old Man From Jersey Explains Life

An old man sits on the steps to his apartment and explains life to an eight-year-old boy.

This Was Your Life

Loki and a friend taunt the dead at the Pearly Gates to the Underworld

 

TRANSCRIPT

 

A man is standing in front of Congress talking to an elephant and a donkey.
MAN
Hey, guys, I have a question about political philosophy I was hoping you could help me with.
ELEPHANT
We might be able to help you.
DONKEY
Just don’t ask us any questions about history.
MAN
The declaration of independence says all men are created equal. What does that mean?
ELEPHANT
It means everyone is entitled to the same freedoms and rights.
DONKEY
…at birth.
MAN
Can anyone ever have a different amount of freedoms and rights?
ELEPHANT
Well, I mean you have to allow for a few exceptions…for the greater good.
MAN
So who and what are the exceptions to the rule that all people should be equal in the eyes of the
law?
ELEPHANT
Obviously, politicians have to have some immunity from the law.
DONKEY
…so we can do our jobs representing the public will that is.
MAN
Give me an example.
ELEPHANT
We can profit off of insider trading.
MAN
Who else is held to a different standard of accountability than the average taxpayer/voter?
ELEPHANT
We decided diplomats visiting the country are exempt from half the rules that apply to the
citizens living here.
MAN
How is that legal?
DONKEY
Nobody asked you that are how.
MAN
Do all foreigners have more rights in this country than those born here?
ELEPHANT
Ha ha ha. No. That would be insulting!
DONKEY
Only foreign politicians have more freedom in your country than you.
ELEPHANT
We pretty much don’t acknowledge that anybody else is human.
MAN
How so?
DONKEY
We gave ourselves the right to lock up pretty much any foreigner in secret prisons and torture
them indefinitely.
MAN
Doesn’t our military overthrow governments that do that sort of thing?
ELEPHANT
…if our government has something to gain from it, sure.
MAN
I thought the troops fought for freedom and equality. How is that possible when the government
they’re backing doesn’t support freedom and equality itself?
ELEPHANT
Because the troops are literally slaves themselves.
DONKEY
Yeah, calling them second-class citizens is an understatement.
MAN
That’s 1% of the population! How can you take that many people’s rights away? How is that
legal?
ELEPHANT
It’s totally legit. The uniform code of military justice allows us to legally strip human beings of
the rights and freedoms guaranteed to them in the constitution and the universal declaration of
human rights.
MAN
Who wrote the uniform code of military justice?
ELEPHANT AND DONKEY
We did.
MAN
I’m confused how you can just give yourself the right to void other people’s rights.
ELEPHANT
Well, the troops signed a contract waiving their rights.
MAN
Why would someone sign away their rights?
ELEPHANT
Well, we didn’t really stress that that was part of the deal when we got them to sign.
MAN
What did you stress?
DONKEY
That signing would make them a hero. We even gave some of them a few thousand dollars as an
extra incentive.
MAN
So that’s how much human rights are worth in this country? A few thousand dollars?
DONKEY
That and free medical care.
MAN
That’s very generous of you to give the troops socialized medical care, especially considering
you’ve created such a stigma against the taxpayers funding their own socialized medical care.
ELEPHANT
Slaves are expensive. We don’t want them falling apart.
MAN
About that. If you can sign your rights away for a paycheck. then they’re not really rights, are
they? And if people can have different levels of freedom then we’re not really all equal are we?
ELEPHANT
But it has to be this way to protect and maintain freedom and equality.
MAN
You’re saying the leaders have to be exempt from the law, and they have to control an army of
slaves drawn from the civilian population in order to ensure the freedom and equality of the
civilian population…at least the ones you haven’t sent to your massive networks of for-profit
prisons.
ELEPHANT
You get an “A-plus” in political philosophy.
MAN
Have we ever tried actually giving everyone equal rights and freedoms unconditionally?
ELEPHANT
Many Native American tribes lived that way.
DONKEY
…before we ordered our army of slaves to kill them in the name of patriotism.
MAN
Would it be unpatriotic to ask for everyone to be given equal rights and freedoms now?
ELEPHANT
So you’re saying you don’t agree with the current government?
MAN
…yes?
ELEPHANT
That makes you an enemy combatant in the war on terror. You just exempted yourself from what
few rights you had been enjoying at our leisure.
MAN
The people won’t stand for this!
DONKEY
Ha ha ha. Tell that to Bradley Manning when you see him.

THE END

Leave a comment   |  tags: , , , , , , , | posted in American Laws, How America Works

October 22, 2017

(Comic) How Protesting In Tents Works

By wise sloth

(Comic) How Protesting In Tents Works

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Two Conservative Ladies

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Two Feminist Ladies
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The Adventures of Monk and Punk: Journey to Entlantis

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  • Book 1: Chapter #1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9
  • Book 2: Chapter #1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9
Illustrated Parables
An Old Man From Jersey Explains Life

An old man sits on the steps to his apartment and explains life to an eight-year-old boy.

This Was Your Life

Loki and a friend taunt the dead at the Pearly Gates to the Underworld

 

TRANSCRIPT

 

A woman is standing in front of a judge in a courtroom.
JUDGE
Dr. Michelle Justice, three weeks ago you and several hundred other protesters were arrested for
camping in a public park. How do you plead?
DR. JUSTICE
Before I answer that I have a few questions. First of all, I paid for that park with my taxes. So
that makes it my park. So why would it be a crime for me to camp in my park?
JUDGE
Correction. It’s everybody’s park. So since everybody has a right to use it then nobody can use it
in case someone else wants to use it.
DR. JUSTICE
Did someone complain that they couldn’t use the park because I was camping there?
JUDGE
No, but your camping there was a health and safety issue anyway. So it was imperative that you
be removed.
DR. JUSTICE
If it’s so imperative that my health and safety be secured that you won’t allow me to camp in a
park then it should also be imperative that you won’t allow police to beat, mace, and taze people
camping in parks, right?
JUDGE
You answered your own question. The cops beat, maced, and tazed everyone camping in the park
for their own safety. So the end justified the means.
DR. JUSTICE
You don’t see that as the means defeating the purpose?
JUDGE
Justice is blind.
DR. JUSTICE
Or maybe in this case, retarded. So is there a nation-wide ban on all long-term camping due to
health and safety concerns or does that ban only apply to protesters?
JUDGE
It only applies to protesters, of course.
DR. JUSTICE
Why is that?
JUDGE
Because protesters are a public nuisance. You get people riled up and create a volatile
atmosphere that could result in harm to yourselves or others.
DR. JUSTICE
If all of that were true, then the end would justify the means though because we were camping to
protest against how multinational corporations have used corruption and bribery to shape the
nation’s laws to allow them to exploit their workers and customers at an unconscionable cost in
human life and dignity.
JUDGE
Even if what the corporations did was immoral it was still legal. So that makes it okay. The real
issue here is that you just admitted to camping on public property. That means you’re about to go
to jail where you’ll undoubtedly be raped and stabbed.
DR. JUSTICE
But I was camping as a form of protest. So I invoke the legal immunity reserved for citizens
performing their civic duty to protest against injustice in their representative government.
JUDGE
What you just described doesn’t exist.
DR. JUSTICE
But if any form of protest can be labeled a public nuisance at best and terrorism at worst then any
corrupt politician can call on the law enforcement officials they control to violently and totally
squash any protest against real corruption that has a real negative impact on the lives of human
beings.
JUDGE
But if we set the precedent that you’re allowed to protest then you’ll protest about everything and
never stop.
DR. JUSTICE
Assuming that’s the greater of two evils we can still compromise. How about if citizens get legal
immunity to protest only in cases where corruption has led to the deaths of millions of people
and the destitution of even more?
JUDGE
Nope. Order must be maintained.
DR. JUSTICE
Are corruption, systemic manslaughter, economic inequality and misery considered order?
JUDGE
This country has 4% of the world population and 25% of the world prison population.
DR. JUSTICE
It’s a well-established fact that poverty and income inequality lead to higher crime rates. So in a
sense, when you protect income inequality creators you’re not protecting job creators. You’re
protecting crime creators.
JUDGE
You’re forgetting another very important fact. By prosecuting illegal campers I’m also protecting
the grass you’re killing with your tents.
DR. JUSTICE
I fail to see how the cost/benefit analysis adds up in favor of protecting a few square feet of grass
at the expense of millions of people’s lives.
JUDGE
It’s just not my job to look that far ahead.
DR. JUSTICE
Whose job is it then?
JUDGE
The Supreme Court.
DR. JUSTICE
How does a person get on the Supreme Court?
JUDGE
They’re appointed by the politicians you’re protesting against for being compromised by the
corporations you’re protesting against.
DR. JUSTICE
Is there any legal avenue I can use to hold corrupt politicians and their financial backers
accountable to crimes against humanity that are equivalent to a trillion armed robberies and tens
of millions of cases of manslaughter?
JUDGE
I’m afraid the system is designed so the higher up the chain of command you are the less
accountable you are. So no.
DR. JUSTICE
Shouldn’t that be the other way around?
JUDGE
Not if you want to maintain order.
DR. JUSTICE
By “order” you don’t mean “the safety and dignity of the majority.” You mean “the power
structure that allows the rich to exploit the poor?
JUDGE
By “order” I mean “the way it’s always been done.” If that’s the way it’s always been done, then
yes.
DR. JUSTICE
We’re really in need of heroes right now. Why don’t you stand up for truth, justice and the
American way by refusing to punish protesters?
JUDGE
I got a family to feed. There’s no way I’m sticking my neck out for anyone else. Just look at
where that got you!
DR. JUSTICE
So that’s how it’s going to be then?
JUDGE
Every man for himself. Isn’t that what Jesus and the founding fathers said?
DR. JUSTICE
No.

THE END

Leave a comment   |  tags: , , , , , , , | posted in American Laws, How America Works

October 22, 2017

(Comic) How The Officer Corps Works

By wise sloth

(Comic) How The Officer Corps Works

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Military Mind Control
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TRANSCRIPT

 

An enlisted soldier is carrying a lot of military equipment and wearing a helmet that is
too large is talking to a military officer who is wearing sunglasses and standing under an
umbrella. Behind them is a barbed wire fence.
SOLDIER
Hey, how’s it going, buddy?
OFFICER
Oh hell No! I am an officer! You will render me a salute and address me as, sir!
SOLDIER
Why would I do all that?
OFFICER
Out of respect for how awesome I am.
SOLDIER
My parents taught me that respect has to be earned, and I don’t know you. For all I know, you
could be a complete scum bag.
OFFICER
The mere fact that I earned the rank of officer proves how glorious I am.
SOLDIER
So what did you do to become an officer?
OFFICER
I partied my way through college on my parent’s savings and then went to a few months of
officer training school.
SOLDIER
That’s cool. I worked my way through college and got promoted to manager. I was also senior
class president and went to leadership camp 4 summers in a row. So maybe you should salute me
and call me sir.
OFFICER
Nope. You didn’t go to those few months of officer school. So no matter what you do you’ll
always be a lower form of life than me. Anyway, you’re lacking the experience of being an
officer.
SOLDIER
What’s your job again?
OFFICER
I sit at a desk and do paperwork all day.
SOLDIER
Hmmm. I’m a network administrator. I build computer networks. I also train and manage a group
of 10 workers responsible for millions of dollars of equipment, and we don’t know the meaning
of the word, “excuses.” come to think of it, I remember your name from our trouble tickets. You
have no idea how to use a computer.
OFFICER
I’m paid to lead, not fix technical problems.
SOLDIER
What’s your degree in again?
OFFICER
Engineering.
SOLDIER
Wouldn’t a degree in psychology or communication or even business serve you better as a leader?
I mean, engineers have like the worst reputation for having bad social skills.
OFFICER
Never question my authority again.
SOLDIER
What if you’re wrong about something? Can I question you then?
OFFICER
That would be disrespectful. You can only question me if I let you and only if you do it like
you’re tiptoeing on eggshells.
SOLDIER
I was raised in the Bronx, and I don’t have much respect for people with thin skin. What happens
if I don’t salute you or address you like you’re my daddy?
OFFICER
Then I’ll give you progressively worse punishments until you salute me or I send you to jail for
failure to obey a direct order, and when you get out you’ll get a dishonorable discharge that will
prevent you from getting meaningful employment for the rest of your life!
SOLDIER
That dishonorable discharge part is pretty rough. That’s kind of like a more politically correct
way of shooting someone in the head.
OFFICER
AND don’t you forget that that’ll always be hanging over your head as long as you wear that
uniform.
SOLDIER
So basically, if I don’t salute you then you’re going to shoot me in the head.
OFFICER
Basically.
SOLDIER
So I’m not really saluting you out of respect at all. I’m saluting you out of fear.
OFFICER
Only if need be.
SOLDIER
So that’s the philosophy on leadership you learned at that glorious training school you went to?
You learned you’re better than everyone else, you don’t have to listen to anyone, and if your
subordinates don’t massage your ego then you’re morally obligated to shoot them in the head?
OFFICER
Well, it sounds bad when you put it like that, but point in fact…yes.
SOLDIER
You’re not a leader. You’re a dictator.
OFFICER
You just got yourself a dishonorable discharge.
SOLDIER
What for?
OFFICER
Failure to conform and disrespecting one of your superiors. You’re undisciplined.
SOLDIER
So thinking for you constitutes a lack of discipline?
OFFICER
Obviously. How can you not see that?
SOLDIER
Wow. You no longer live in reality. Well, I just have one more question before you destroy my
life for not subjugating me to you.
OFFICER
Ask away. I have a few more minutes before its happy hour at the officer’s club.
SOLDIER
What do you think of the phrase, “All men were created equal?”
OFFICER
Sounds like a bunch of liberal hippie bullshit. That’s not what I joined the military to defend.

THE END

Leave a comment   |  tags: , , , , , , | posted in How America Works, Military Oppression

October 22, 2017

(Comic) How Political Representation Works

By wise sloth

Reference: 

The Stop Online Piracy Act of 2011

(Comic) How Political Representation Works

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TRANSCRIPT

 

A man is standing in front of the White House talking to an elephant and a donkey.
MAN
Hey guys. I’m thinking about running for Congress, but I’m a little confused about what the job
entails. Can you help me?
ELEPHANT
Sure. We’ve been doing this a long time and have the system worked out pretty well.
DONKEY
Streamlined even.
MAN
Here’s the thing. I want to get elected to represent my voters, but it seems like I’ll be passing laws
that affect the whole nation and sometimes the whole world. So how is that fair for all the people
from different states who didn’t vote for me?
ELEPHANT
We sort of have a “don’t ask. Don’t tell.” policy when it comes to that.
DONKEY
Don’t worry about it. What people don’t realize won’t hurt them.
MAN
What about this “S.O.P.A.” Bill that will effectively destroy free speech on the internet? That
was introduced by a congressman from Texas and has the whole world in an uproar…for good
reason?
ELEPHANT
Yeah, but the rest of the representatives in Congress could shoot the bill down…if we wanted
them to.
DONKEY
So the balance of power evens out in the end.
MAN
That’s a relief. So if people contact their congressmen and express their disapproval of a bill then
their congressman will have to represent their expectations?
ELEPHANT
No.
MAN
No?
DONKEY
No.
MAN
So what happens when a person sends a letter to their congressman? Doesn’t he or she read it and
then act on the wishes of their voters?
ELEPHANT
NO. An intern reads it and either throws it away or sends a canned response back.
DONKEY
…and then throws the voter’s letter away.
MAN
So congressmen are under no obligation whatsoever to represent their voter’s expectations?
ELEPHANT
No. The voters can elect someone else to take their place next election cycle if their
representatives’ actions don’t incidentally meet their voters’ expectations.
DONKEY
So congressmen have a strong incentive to represent their voters…or to keep them in the dark.
MAN
But if the representatives never act in the interest of the voters then couldn’t the representatives
get voted out perpetually while the voters never get what they want no matter who they vote in?
ELEPHANT
You’re oversimplifying things.
DONKEY
In reality, the voters get a lot of what they want…and a lot of what they don’t.
MAN
Surely there’s a law that says representatives can’t go back on their campaign promises though,
right?
ELEPHANT
Nah. That happens all the time.
MAN
Doesn’t that piss voters off?
ELEPHANT
Yeah. That’s why we groom our candidates to be as vague as possible in their campaign
promises.
MAN
When you get right down to it the voters really just have to hope their representatives…represent
them.
DONKEY
It never hurts to grease the wheels with massive campaign contributions.
ELEPHANT
You can also move to Washington D.C. and become a politician yourself or become a full-time
lobbyist. And really, if you don’t do that then you have no excuse for not having your views
represented.
MAN
…unless they want a life of their own, which is what I thought government was supposed to give
them. I just don’t see how congressmen can call themselves representatives when there’s no way
to hold them accountable to their voters, especially when they’re more or less on the payroll of
campaign donors and lobbyist who are doing everything they can to buy all the influence in the
government.
ELEPHANT
Well, it’s a good thing nobody asked you.
MAN
So what do you call a government where the people elect leaders who don’t represent their
interests?
ELEPHANT
I don’t know. Do you know what you call someone who speaks out against their leaders…
DONKEY
A terrorist!
MAN
So what are you going to do? Send me to Guantanamo Bay?
ELEPHANT
No. Once we pass the S.O.P.A. bill or something like it we’ll just stop you from being able to
spread your dissenting ideas.
DONKEY
Now if you’ll excuse us, our lobbyists are calling.

THE END

Leave a comment   |  tags: , , , , , , , | posted in How America Works, voting

October 22, 2017

(Comic) How Presidential Elections Works

By wise sloth

(Comic) How Presidential Elections Works

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TRANSCRIPT

 

A man is standing in front of Congress, talking to an elephant and a donkey.

Man: I have a few questions I’d like to ask you guys about running for office.

Elephant: You have our undivided attention.

Donkey: Yep. We’ll bend over backward for you.

Elephant: Wait. You are a wealthy campaign investor… I mean, donor, right?

Man: Uh, no.

Donkey: You got five minutes, and don’t expect much.

Man: It’s just that I’m so upset that my president promised change, but the only things that seem to have changed on his watch are that the rich have gotten richer, the poor have gotten poorer, and the police have gotten meaner.

Elephant: *Yawn* So what?

Man: So I’ve decided to run for president, but I’m a little confused by the electoral process. First, I noticed the people don’t actually elect the president. This group of people called “The Electoral College” does. What’s up with that?

Elephant: It’s no big deal. The Electoral College votes for the candidates the people vote for.

Donkey: Nothing to see here, citizen. Move along.

Man: So by law, The Electoral College has to vote how the majority of the people in their state vote?

Elephant: …depends on the state.

Man: Has any member of The Electoral College ever voted contrary to the voters they’re supposed to represent?

Donkey: Yeah, but it doesn’t happen often. So it’s not a big deal.

Man: Hmmmm. I have another minor point of concern. When the majority of people in a state vote for one candidate, then that automatically cancels out the vote of anyone who voted for the losing party in that state…

Elephant: Duh. That’s how a republic… I mean, a democracy works.

Donkey: It wouldn’t be fair for the majority to lose their representation to the minority, would it?

Man: I’m glad you said that, because under the current system, the majority of the people in the country could vote for one candidate and still lose if the majority of the people in the largest states vote for another.

Elephant: When you put it like that…

Donkey: …It’s not a big deal.

Man: The people who lose their voice in government through a loophole probably think it’s a big deal.

Elephant: Not if they never notice.

Donkey: Anyway, the point of losing your voice in government is that your voice doesn’t matter. So… problem solved.

Man: Next question. If a majority vote will put a politician in office, then will they get removed if their approval rating drops below 50%?

Elephant: Nope.

Man: 30%?

Donkey: No.

Man: Damn. What about 10%?

Elephant: Not even at 1%

Man: I suppose presidential candidates have to pass a pretty strict batter of tests to qualify to run for office to keep anyone that bad from getting elected in the first place, right?

Elephant: You gotta be old enough, be born a citizen and able to win a campaign.

Man: There’s no competency test, psych evaluation or even a drug test?

Donkey: It’s not like they’re enlisting to be a janitor in the military. Geeze. They’re just going to control the military.

Man: But if that’s all it takes to run for president, you could just put an actor on the campaign trail!

Elephant: Been there. Done that.

Man: How well did that work out?

Donkey: For who?

Man: Tell me this at least, if the president is guilty of corruption, will he get kicked out of office?

Elephant: If the president does it, it’s legal.

Man: Isn’t corruption tantamount to treason though?

Donkey: Not after our corporate-funded public relations firms spin it.

Man: What if the president commits war crimes?

Elephant: That’s okay as long as it’s in the name of national security.

Donkey: Anyway, war crime convictions are for people who follow orders, not people who give them.

Man: Is there anything the president can do to get kicked out of office?

Elephant: Sure. There’s lots of things.

Donkey: He could piss us off. He could make us look bad. The list goes on.

Man: Isn’t it a little unfair that people can elect a leader into office, but they can’t veto a leader out of office?

Elephant: The leaders you choose are the leaders you’re stuck with. So pick wisely.

Donkey: …between us.

Man: So let me get this straight. The voters only get to choose between you two, and if you betray them, they can’t get rid of you?

Elephant: That’s not how it works at all. If the voters don’t like us, they’re free to pick one of us to replace us in the next election.

Donkey: That’s the definition of fairness.

Man: That sounds more like the definition of a monopoly on power.

Elephant: It’s not a big deal.

Donkey: But if you don’t like it, then you’re a traitor, and that’s a big deal.

Man: I’m just saying, this doesn’t seem like the best system to ensure the most qualified individual holds the most powerful position in the country and arguably the world.

Elephant: It’s the best system have ever come up with… says me.

Donkey: So why change even the smallest detail?

Man: Uh… because politicians across the board have almost no accountability, and there are a hundred ways the people’s voice can get lost.

Elephant: It sounds so pretty when you say it like that.

Donkey: I got chills.

Man: Well, this just strengthens my resolve to run for president as an independent.

Elephant: You know the only independent to ever win a presidential election was George Washington, right?

Donkey: There’s a reason for that.

THE END

Leave a comment   |  tags: , , , , , , , | posted in How America Works, voting

October 22, 2017

(Comic) How Gender Equality Works

By wise sloth

(Comic) How Gender Equality Works

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An Old Man From Jersey Explains Life

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TRANSCRIPT

 

A young girl is talking to an elephant and a donkey in front of the Supreme Court building.

Girl: Can I ask you guys something?

Elephant: Sure. You have the right to say whatever you want in this country.

Donkey: …just like we have the right to monitor whatever you say.

Girl: I’m not legally required to wear a burqa or a hajib when I grow up, am I?

Elephant: Heavens no! It’s no the government’s place to tell you how to dress.

Donkey: …Outside of the workplace that is.

Girl: Oh, great! So I’ll always be free to take my shirt off wherever a man is allowed to take his shirt off then, right?

Elephant: Heavens no! That would be indecent.

Donkey: You’ll be free to work in a strip club after you turn 18 though…wherever strip clubs are legal.

Girl: So let me get this straight. It’s 2011, and I don’t have equal rights as men?

Elephant: If you want to get nitpicky about it, not.

Girl: What if I don’t think this is being nitpicky?

Donkey: Either way, it’s still the same.

Girl: Why don’t I have equal rights, again? I thought I lived in the land of the free.

Elephant: Not enough people have complained about it loud enough. So they voted for your subjugation through their collective silence.

Donkey: ….but if enough people did complain about it we’d have the police mace, taze, beat, and arrest them.

Girl: But isn’t the point of having rights that you don’t need anyone else’s approval?

Elephant: If you want to get nitpicky about it, yes.

Donkey: …but we’re not nitpicky.

Girl: If it’s all the same to you, do you think you could just sign my freedom into law real quick? That wouldn’t take long, would it?

Elephant: It’d take as long as it takes to sign a piece of paper.

Donkey: …but we’re really busy signing other pieces of paper.

Girl: What’s more important than equal rights for women?

Elephant: Tax breaks and bailouts for the ultra-wealthy.

Donkey: ….and cracking down on protesters advocating economic equality.

Girl: I’ve got an idea. What if you give me this one thing, and maybe that’ll make people feel like you’re doing something for them and they won’t be so upset about the rest of the stuff you’re not doing?

Elephant: I like the way you think, but…

Donkey: We don’t want to set a precedent. If we give you an inch the next thing you’ll be asking for a mile.

Girl: I’m sure if you do me this one…favor…you’ll go down in history as civil rights leaders.

Elephant: *ugh* Our arms are still aching from having them twisted to let gays serve openly in the military.

Donkey: …and from patting ourselves on the back for doing that.

Elephant: I don’t know what you’re so upset about anyway. You could live in Saudi Arabia. Then you’d have way fewer rights.

Girl: By that logic I shouldn’t complain about economic inequality because I could live in a country that America exports all its sweatshop labor to.

Donkey: Now you’re getting the hang of it!

Elephant: I’ll tell you what. You can make a petition on the White House website, and if enough people sign it we’ll look at it.

Girl: I already signed a bunch of those petitions. All you give me is dismissive, non-answers. I’m not even going to try that anymore.

Donkey: Wow! You’re really getting the hang of this!

THE END

Leave a comment   |  tags: , , , , , , , | posted in American Laws, How America Works

October 22, 2017

(Comic) How Becoming A Billionaire Works

By wise sloth

(Comic) How Becoming A Billionaire Works

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An Old Man From Jersey Explains Life

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This Was Your Life

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TRANSCRIPT

 

The scene is of a rich businessman and his son standing in a fancy office with a large window overlooking skyscrapers in the heart of a major city.

Father: Son, today I’m going to teach you my secret 7 steps to success.

Son: Okay, but talk to me like I’m an adult. I want the full, uncensored version.

Father: You asked for it. Here we go. Step 1. Inherit a fortune.

Son: I already will, but what if I didn’t?

Father: Then it would suck to be you. Everything is as expensive as it can be, especially the training and education necessary to move up the caste system.

Son: So if you can’t pay up front for life you’re pretty much doomed to tread water half your life?

Father: Some more than others. Now, step 2. Own your own business.

Son: Good thing I’m going to inherit a business and grow up receiving personal training in how to run it. What if I weren’t?

Father: Then start one at all costs because there are only two kinds of people in this world. Those who work for other people and those who have other people work for them.

Son: That makes sense. If you work for someone else then you only have one income stream, but everyone who works for you is another source of income for you.

Father: Good, let’s move on. Step 3: Minimize cost, and maximize profit. This means paying as little as possible to anyone for the things you need from them and charge everyone as much as possible for the things they need from you.

Son: You could have just said, Pay your workers as little as possible and charge your customers as much as possible.

Father: That brings us to step 4. Use slaves.

Son: But slavery is illegal.

Father: Phrase it however you want as long as they do all the work and you keep all the money.

Son: Slavery is usually considered black and white, but I guess it really is a spectrum of degrees.

Father: And you can legally push your workers to the far end, especially if you outsource your jobs to sweatshops, which you should be doing anyway. Now, step 5. Pay as few taxes as possible.

Son: If there are tax havens and loopholes then why not use them?

Father: And how! Now, step 6. Buy influence. Sometimes the law can stand between you and more money, but there’s nothing but formalities standing between you and a politician’s bank account.

Son: The more they rely on your money the more you can rely on them, which means that if they rely on you totally…

Father: Bingo.

Son: That’s a pretty brazen plan. Does your last step address the fact that your heartless grab for money at the expense of human decency will raise eyebrows eventually?

Father: It sure does. Let’s go outside and I’ll demonstrate this one first hand.

The father and son go outside. They are standing in front of an expensive office building where a crowd of protesters is gathered.

Father: Those are protesters over there, and they’ve figured out the secret to our success.

Son: …but instead of using it themselves like they should be, they’re mad that we’re using it!?!?! But these are our workers! Does this mean our time as the foxes of the hen house are over?

Father: Step 7. Always keep an ace in the hole.

Just then a young female wearing baggy clothing and carrying a backpack shouts at the father

Female Protester: Hey Billionaire, you can’t keep drinking our blood forever!

Father: Wait for it…

Just then a chubby, middle age man shouts at the female.

Fat Man: Shut up, commulist hippie! This man is a job creator! Why don’t you go get a job? If you’re unhappy then the problem is you!

Female Protester: You realize you’re part of the 99% we’re trying to help and he’s trying to hurt, right?

Father: Don’t bother, miss. I employed award-winning professional psychologists to design the propaganda this man has been exposing himself to. The techniques we’ve perfected were originally invented by cults, religions, and militaries. I could explain the whole thing to his face and he’d still defend me to the death.

The son looks up to the father.

Son: I want to be just like you when I grow up.

Female Protester: Wow. Just wow.

THE END

Leave a comment   |  tags: , , , , , , , , | posted in Flaws in the Economy, How America Works

October 22, 2017

(Comic) How Government Hand-Outs Work

By wise sloth

(Comic) How Government Hand-Outs Work

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Illustrated Parables
An Old Man From Jersey Explains Life

An old man sits on the steps to his apartment and explains life to an eight-year-old boy.

This Was Your Life

Loki and a friend taunt the dead at the Pearly Gates to the Underworld

TRANSCRIPT

 

Every panel shows the same picture of a wealthy businessman and his son standing near an expensive Ferrari sports car.

Father: “Congratulations on graduating from my Ivy League alma mater, son. After paying all your tuition and living expenses through school I bought you this Ferrari for your graduation present.”

Son: “Wow. Thanks, Dad!”

Father: “Thank the taxpayers. I bought ten of these with the bonus I got after the government gave my company all that bailout money.”

Son: “Let’s drive down to your office and show the car to your coworkers.”

Father: “We’ll have to do that another time. The streets to the office are blocked by vagrant protesters.”

Son: “What do the protesters want?”

Father: Oh, they’re just a bunch of spoiled kids looking for a handout.”

Son: “They sound like a bunch of douche bags.”

THE END

Leave a comment   |  tags: , , , , , , , | posted in Flaws in the Economy, How America Works