Tag Archives: philosophical comic

October 22, 2017

(Comic) How The Officer Corps Works

By wise sloth

(Comic) How The Officer Corps Works

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TRANSCRIPT

 

An enlisted soldier is carrying a lot of military equipment and wearing a helmet that is
too large is talking to a military officer who is wearing sunglasses and standing under an
umbrella. Behind them is a barbed wire fence.
SOLDIER
Hey, how’s it going, buddy?
OFFICER
Oh hell No! I am an officer! You will render me a salute and address me as, sir!
SOLDIER
Why would I do all that?
OFFICER
Out of respect for how awesome I am.
SOLDIER
My parents taught me that respect has to be earned, and I don’t know you. For all I know, you
could be a complete scum bag.
OFFICER
The mere fact that I earned the rank of officer proves how glorious I am.
SOLDIER
So what did you do to become an officer?
OFFICER
I partied my way through college on my parent’s savings and then went to a few months of
officer training school.
SOLDIER
That’s cool. I worked my way through college and got promoted to manager. I was also senior
class president and went to leadership camp 4 summers in a row. So maybe you should salute me
and call me sir.
OFFICER
Nope. You didn’t go to those few months of officer school. So no matter what you do you’ll
always be a lower form of life than me. Anyway, you’re lacking the experience of being an
officer.
SOLDIER
What’s your job again?
OFFICER
I sit at a desk and do paperwork all day.
SOLDIER
Hmmm. I’m a network administrator. I build computer networks. I also train and manage a group
of 10 workers responsible for millions of dollars of equipment, and we don’t know the meaning
of the word, “excuses.” come to think of it, I remember your name from our trouble tickets. You
have no idea how to use a computer.
OFFICER
I’m paid to lead, not fix technical problems.
SOLDIER
What’s your degree in again?
OFFICER
Engineering.
SOLDIER
Wouldn’t a degree in psychology or communication or even business serve you better as a leader?
I mean, engineers have like the worst reputation for having bad social skills.
OFFICER
Never question my authority again.
SOLDIER
What if you’re wrong about something? Can I question you then?
OFFICER
That would be disrespectful. You can only question me if I let you and only if you do it like
you’re tiptoeing on eggshells.
SOLDIER
I was raised in the Bronx, and I don’t have much respect for people with thin skin. What happens
if I don’t salute you or address you like you’re my daddy?
OFFICER
Then I’ll give you progressively worse punishments until you salute me or I send you to jail for
failure to obey a direct order, and when you get out you’ll get a dishonorable discharge that will
prevent you from getting meaningful employment for the rest of your life!
SOLDIER
That dishonorable discharge part is pretty rough. That’s kind of like a more politically correct
way of shooting someone in the head.
OFFICER
AND don’t you forget that that’ll always be hanging over your head as long as you wear that
uniform.
SOLDIER
So basically, if I don’t salute you then you’re going to shoot me in the head.
OFFICER
Basically.
SOLDIER
So I’m not really saluting you out of respect at all. I’m saluting you out of fear.
OFFICER
Only if need be.
SOLDIER
So that’s the philosophy on leadership you learned at that glorious training school you went to?
You learned you’re better than everyone else, you don’t have to listen to anyone, and if your
subordinates don’t massage your ego then you’re morally obligated to shoot them in the head?
OFFICER
Well, it sounds bad when you put it like that, but point in fact…yes.
SOLDIER
You’re not a leader. You’re a dictator.
OFFICER
You just got yourself a dishonorable discharge.
SOLDIER
What for?
OFFICER
Failure to conform and disrespecting one of your superiors. You’re undisciplined.
SOLDIER
So thinking for you constitutes a lack of discipline?
OFFICER
Obviously. How can you not see that?
SOLDIER
Wow. You no longer live in reality. Well, I just have one more question before you destroy my
life for not subjugating me to you.
OFFICER
Ask away. I have a few more minutes before its happy hour at the officer’s club.
SOLDIER
What do you think of the phrase, “All men were created equal?”
OFFICER
Sounds like a bunch of liberal hippie bullshit. That’s not what I joined the military to defend.

THE END

Leave a comment   |  tags: , , , , , , | posted in How America Works, Military Oppression

October 22, 2017

(Comic) How Political Representation Works

By wise sloth

Reference: 

The Stop Online Piracy Act of 2011

(Comic) How Political Representation Works

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TRANSCRIPT

 

A man is standing in front of the White House talking to an elephant and a donkey.
MAN
Hey guys. I’m thinking about running for Congress, but I’m a little confused about what the job
entails. Can you help me?
ELEPHANT
Sure. We’ve been doing this a long time and have the system worked out pretty well.
DONKEY
Streamlined even.
MAN
Here’s the thing. I want to get elected to represent my voters, but it seems like I’ll be passing laws
that affect the whole nation and sometimes the whole world. So how is that fair for all the people
from different states who didn’t vote for me?
ELEPHANT
We sort of have a “don’t ask. Don’t tell.” policy when it comes to that.
DONKEY
Don’t worry about it. What people don’t realize won’t hurt them.
MAN
What about this “S.O.P.A.” Bill that will effectively destroy free speech on the internet? That
was introduced by a congressman from Texas and has the whole world in an uproar…for good
reason?
ELEPHANT
Yeah, but the rest of the representatives in Congress could shoot the bill down…if we wanted
them to.
DONKEY
So the balance of power evens out in the end.
MAN
That’s a relief. So if people contact their congressmen and express their disapproval of a bill then
their congressman will have to represent their expectations?
ELEPHANT
No.
MAN
No?
DONKEY
No.
MAN
So what happens when a person sends a letter to their congressman? Doesn’t he or she read it and
then act on the wishes of their voters?
ELEPHANT
NO. An intern reads it and either throws it away or sends a canned response back.
DONKEY
…and then throws the voter’s letter away.
MAN
So congressmen are under no obligation whatsoever to represent their voter’s expectations?
ELEPHANT
No. The voters can elect someone else to take their place next election cycle if their
representatives’ actions don’t incidentally meet their voters’ expectations.
DONKEY
So congressmen have a strong incentive to represent their voters…or to keep them in the dark.
MAN
But if the representatives never act in the interest of the voters then couldn’t the representatives
get voted out perpetually while the voters never get what they want no matter who they vote in?
ELEPHANT
You’re oversimplifying things.
DONKEY
In reality, the voters get a lot of what they want…and a lot of what they don’t.
MAN
Surely there’s a law that says representatives can’t go back on their campaign promises though,
right?
ELEPHANT
Nah. That happens all the time.
MAN
Doesn’t that piss voters off?
ELEPHANT
Yeah. That’s why we groom our candidates to be as vague as possible in their campaign
promises.
MAN
When you get right down to it the voters really just have to hope their representatives…represent
them.
DONKEY
It never hurts to grease the wheels with massive campaign contributions.
ELEPHANT
You can also move to Washington D.C. and become a politician yourself or become a full-time
lobbyist. And really, if you don’t do that then you have no excuse for not having your views
represented.
MAN
…unless they want a life of their own, which is what I thought government was supposed to give
them. I just don’t see how congressmen can call themselves representatives when there’s no way
to hold them accountable to their voters, especially when they’re more or less on the payroll of
campaign donors and lobbyist who are doing everything they can to buy all the influence in the
government.
ELEPHANT
Well, it’s a good thing nobody asked you.
MAN
So what do you call a government where the people elect leaders who don’t represent their
interests?
ELEPHANT
I don’t know. Do you know what you call someone who speaks out against their leaders…
DONKEY
A terrorist!
MAN
So what are you going to do? Send me to Guantanamo Bay?
ELEPHANT
No. Once we pass the S.O.P.A. bill or something like it we’ll just stop you from being able to
spread your dissenting ideas.
DONKEY
Now if you’ll excuse us, our lobbyists are calling.

THE END

Leave a comment   |  tags: , , , , , , , | posted in How America Works, voting

October 22, 2017

(Comic) How Presidential Elections Works

By wise sloth

(Comic) How Presidential Elections Works

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TRANSCRIPT

 

A man is standing in front of Congress, talking to an elephant and a donkey.

Man: I have a few questions I’d like to ask you guys about running for office.

Elephant: You have our undivided attention.

Donkey: Yep. We’ll bend over backward for you.

Elephant: Wait. You are a wealthy campaign investor… I mean, donor, right?

Man: Uh, no.

Donkey: You got five minutes, and don’t expect much.

Man: It’s just that I’m so upset that my president promised change, but the only things that seem to have changed on his watch are that the rich have gotten richer, the poor have gotten poorer, and the police have gotten meaner.

Elephant: *Yawn* So what?

Man: So I’ve decided to run for president, but I’m a little confused by the electoral process. First, I noticed the people don’t actually elect the president. This group of people called “The Electoral College” does. What’s up with that?

Elephant: It’s no big deal. The Electoral College votes for the candidates the people vote for.

Donkey: Nothing to see here, citizen. Move along.

Man: So by law, The Electoral College has to vote how the majority of the people in their state vote?

Elephant: …depends on the state.

Man: Has any member of The Electoral College ever voted contrary to the voters they’re supposed to represent?

Donkey: Yeah, but it doesn’t happen often. So it’s not a big deal.

Man: Hmmmm. I have another minor point of concern. When the majority of people in a state vote for one candidate, then that automatically cancels out the vote of anyone who voted for the losing party in that state…

Elephant: Duh. That’s how a republic… I mean, a democracy works.

Donkey: It wouldn’t be fair for the majority to lose their representation to the minority, would it?

Man: I’m glad you said that, because under the current system, the majority of the people in the country could vote for one candidate and still lose if the majority of the people in the largest states vote for another.

Elephant: When you put it like that…

Donkey: …It’s not a big deal.

Man: The people who lose their voice in government through a loophole probably think it’s a big deal.

Elephant: Not if they never notice.

Donkey: Anyway, the point of losing your voice in government is that your voice doesn’t matter. So… problem solved.

Man: Next question. If a majority vote will put a politician in office, then will they get removed if their approval rating drops below 50%?

Elephant: Nope.

Man: 30%?

Donkey: No.

Man: Damn. What about 10%?

Elephant: Not even at 1%

Man: I suppose presidential candidates have to pass a pretty strict batter of tests to qualify to run for office to keep anyone that bad from getting elected in the first place, right?

Elephant: You gotta be old enough, be born a citizen and able to win a campaign.

Man: There’s no competency test, psych evaluation or even a drug test?

Donkey: It’s not like they’re enlisting to be a janitor in the military. Geeze. They’re just going to control the military.

Man: But if that’s all it takes to run for president, you could just put an actor on the campaign trail!

Elephant: Been there. Done that.

Man: How well did that work out?

Donkey: For who?

Man: Tell me this at least, if the president is guilty of corruption, will he get kicked out of office?

Elephant: If the president does it, it’s legal.

Man: Isn’t corruption tantamount to treason though?

Donkey: Not after our corporate-funded public relations firms spin it.

Man: What if the president commits war crimes?

Elephant: That’s okay as long as it’s in the name of national security.

Donkey: Anyway, war crime convictions are for people who follow orders, not people who give them.

Man: Is there anything the president can do to get kicked out of office?

Elephant: Sure. There’s lots of things.

Donkey: He could piss us off. He could make us look bad. The list goes on.

Man: Isn’t it a little unfair that people can elect a leader into office, but they can’t veto a leader out of office?

Elephant: The leaders you choose are the leaders you’re stuck with. So pick wisely.

Donkey: …between us.

Man: So let me get this straight. The voters only get to choose between you two, and if you betray them, they can’t get rid of you?

Elephant: That’s not how it works at all. If the voters don’t like us, they’re free to pick one of us to replace us in the next election.

Donkey: That’s the definition of fairness.

Man: That sounds more like the definition of a monopoly on power.

Elephant: It’s not a big deal.

Donkey: But if you don’t like it, then you’re a traitor, and that’s a big deal.

Man: I’m just saying, this doesn’t seem like the best system to ensure the most qualified individual holds the most powerful position in the country and arguably the world.

Elephant: It’s the best system have ever come up with… says me.

Donkey: So why change even the smallest detail?

Man: Uh… because politicians across the board have almost no accountability, and there are a hundred ways the people’s voice can get lost.

Elephant: It sounds so pretty when you say it like that.

Donkey: I got chills.

Man: Well, this just strengthens my resolve to run for president as an independent.

Elephant: You know the only independent to ever win a presidential election was George Washington, right?

Donkey: There’s a reason for that.

THE END

Leave a comment   |  tags: , , , , , , , | posted in How America Works, voting

October 22, 2017

(Comic) How Gender Equality Works

By wise sloth

(Comic) How Gender Equality Works

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TRANSCRIPT

 

A young girl is talking to an elephant and a donkey in front of the Supreme Court building.

Girl: Can I ask you guys something?

Elephant: Sure. You have the right to say whatever you want in this country.

Donkey: …just like we have the right to monitor whatever you say.

Girl: I’m not legally required to wear a burqa or a hajib when I grow up, am I?

Elephant: Heavens no! It’s no the government’s place to tell you how to dress.

Donkey: …Outside of the workplace that is.

Girl: Oh, great! So I’ll always be free to take my shirt off wherever a man is allowed to take his shirt off then, right?

Elephant: Heavens no! That would be indecent.

Donkey: You’ll be free to work in a strip club after you turn 18 though…wherever strip clubs are legal.

Girl: So let me get this straight. It’s 2011, and I don’t have equal rights as men?

Elephant: If you want to get nitpicky about it, not.

Girl: What if I don’t think this is being nitpicky?

Donkey: Either way, it’s still the same.

Girl: Why don’t I have equal rights, again? I thought I lived in the land of the free.

Elephant: Not enough people have complained about it loud enough. So they voted for your subjugation through their collective silence.

Donkey: ….but if enough people did complain about it we’d have the police mace, taze, beat, and arrest them.

Girl: But isn’t the point of having rights that you don’t need anyone else’s approval?

Elephant: If you want to get nitpicky about it, yes.

Donkey: …but we’re not nitpicky.

Girl: If it’s all the same to you, do you think you could just sign my freedom into law real quick? That wouldn’t take long, would it?

Elephant: It’d take as long as it takes to sign a piece of paper.

Donkey: …but we’re really busy signing other pieces of paper.

Girl: What’s more important than equal rights for women?

Elephant: Tax breaks and bailouts for the ultra-wealthy.

Donkey: ….and cracking down on protesters advocating economic equality.

Girl: I’ve got an idea. What if you give me this one thing, and maybe that’ll make people feel like you’re doing something for them and they won’t be so upset about the rest of the stuff you’re not doing?

Elephant: I like the way you think, but…

Donkey: We don’t want to set a precedent. If we give you an inch the next thing you’ll be asking for a mile.

Girl: I’m sure if you do me this one…favor…you’ll go down in history as civil rights leaders.

Elephant: *ugh* Our arms are still aching from having them twisted to let gays serve openly in the military.

Donkey: …and from patting ourselves on the back for doing that.

Elephant: I don’t know what you’re so upset about anyway. You could live in Saudi Arabia. Then you’d have way fewer rights.

Girl: By that logic I shouldn’t complain about economic inequality because I could live in a country that America exports all its sweatshop labor to.

Donkey: Now you’re getting the hang of it!

Elephant: I’ll tell you what. You can make a petition on the White House website, and if enough people sign it we’ll look at it.

Girl: I already signed a bunch of those petitions. All you give me is dismissive, non-answers. I’m not even going to try that anymore.

Donkey: Wow! You’re really getting the hang of this!

THE END

Leave a comment   |  tags: , , , , , , , | posted in American Laws, How America Works

October 22, 2017

(Comic) How Becoming A Billionaire Works

By wise sloth

(Comic) How Becoming A Billionaire Works

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Illustrated Parables
An Old Man From Jersey Explains Life

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This Was Your Life

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TRANSCRIPT

 

The scene is of a rich businessman and his son standing in a fancy office with a large window overlooking skyscrapers in the heart of a major city.

Father: Son, today I’m going to teach you my secret 7 steps to success.

Son: Okay, but talk to me like I’m an adult. I want the full, uncensored version.

Father: You asked for it. Here we go. Step 1. Inherit a fortune.

Son: I already will, but what if I didn’t?

Father: Then it would suck to be you. Everything is as expensive as it can be, especially the training and education necessary to move up the caste system.

Son: So if you can’t pay up front for life you’re pretty much doomed to tread water half your life?

Father: Some more than others. Now, step 2. Own your own business.

Son: Good thing I’m going to inherit a business and grow up receiving personal training in how to run it. What if I weren’t?

Father: Then start one at all costs because there are only two kinds of people in this world. Those who work for other people and those who have other people work for them.

Son: That makes sense. If you work for someone else then you only have one income stream, but everyone who works for you is another source of income for you.

Father: Good, let’s move on. Step 3: Minimize cost, and maximize profit. This means paying as little as possible to anyone for the things you need from them and charge everyone as much as possible for the things they need from you.

Son: You could have just said, Pay your workers as little as possible and charge your customers as much as possible.

Father: That brings us to step 4. Use slaves.

Son: But slavery is illegal.

Father: Phrase it however you want as long as they do all the work and you keep all the money.

Son: Slavery is usually considered black and white, but I guess it really is a spectrum of degrees.

Father: And you can legally push your workers to the far end, especially if you outsource your jobs to sweatshops, which you should be doing anyway. Now, step 5. Pay as few taxes as possible.

Son: If there are tax havens and loopholes then why not use them?

Father: And how! Now, step 6. Buy influence. Sometimes the law can stand between you and more money, but there’s nothing but formalities standing between you and a politician’s bank account.

Son: The more they rely on your money the more you can rely on them, which means that if they rely on you totally…

Father: Bingo.

Son: That’s a pretty brazen plan. Does your last step address the fact that your heartless grab for money at the expense of human decency will raise eyebrows eventually?

Father: It sure does. Let’s go outside and I’ll demonstrate this one first hand.

The father and son go outside. They are standing in front of an expensive office building where a crowd of protesters is gathered.

Father: Those are protesters over there, and they’ve figured out the secret to our success.

Son: …but instead of using it themselves like they should be, they’re mad that we’re using it!?!?! But these are our workers! Does this mean our time as the foxes of the hen house are over?

Father: Step 7. Always keep an ace in the hole.

Just then a young female wearing baggy clothing and carrying a backpack shouts at the father

Female Protester: Hey Billionaire, you can’t keep drinking our blood forever!

Father: Wait for it…

Just then a chubby, middle age man shouts at the female.

Fat Man: Shut up, commulist hippie! This man is a job creator! Why don’t you go get a job? If you’re unhappy then the problem is you!

Female Protester: You realize you’re part of the 99% we’re trying to help and he’s trying to hurt, right?

Father: Don’t bother, miss. I employed award-winning professional psychologists to design the propaganda this man has been exposing himself to. The techniques we’ve perfected were originally invented by cults, religions, and militaries. I could explain the whole thing to his face and he’d still defend me to the death.

The son looks up to the father.

Son: I want to be just like you when I grow up.

Female Protester: Wow. Just wow.

THE END

Leave a comment   |  tags: , , , , , , , , | posted in Flaws in the Economy, How America Works

October 22, 2017

(Comic) How Government Hand-Outs Work

By wise sloth

(Comic) How Government Hand-Outs Work

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Illustrated Parables
An Old Man From Jersey Explains Life

An old man sits on the steps to his apartment and explains life to an eight-year-old boy.

This Was Your Life

Loki and a friend taunt the dead at the Pearly Gates to the Underworld

TRANSCRIPT

 

Every panel shows the same picture of a wealthy businessman and his son standing near an expensive Ferrari sports car.

Father: “Congratulations on graduating from my Ivy League alma mater, son. After paying all your tuition and living expenses through school I bought you this Ferrari for your graduation present.”

Son: “Wow. Thanks, Dad!”

Father: “Thank the taxpayers. I bought ten of these with the bonus I got after the government gave my company all that bailout money.”

Son: “Let’s drive down to your office and show the car to your coworkers.”

Father: “We’ll have to do that another time. The streets to the office are blocked by vagrant protesters.”

Son: “What do the protesters want?”

Father: Oh, they’re just a bunch of spoiled kids looking for a handout.”

Son: “They sound like a bunch of douche bags.”

THE END

Leave a comment   |  tags: , , , , , , , | posted in Flaws in the Economy, How America Works

October 22, 2017

(Comic) How Veterans Protesting Works

By wise sloth

(Comic) How Veterans Protesting Works

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Illustrated Parables
An Old Man From Jersey Explains Life

An old man sits on the steps to his apartment and explains life to an eight-year-old boy.

This Was Your Life

Loki and a friend taunt the dead at the Pearly Gates to the Underworld

TRANSCRIPT

 

Police are lined up in front of a crowd of protesters. The police have their weapons aimed at the crowd. An unarmed man wearing an unbuttoned military uniform is standing between the police and the protesters.

Panel 1: A police officer shouts at the crowd, “I’m not telling you people again, you can’t be here if you don’t have a permit, and you can’t have a permit. So stop asking.”

Panel 2: The man in the military uniform says, “Everybody chill out. I got this. I’m an honorably discharged veteran. Me and my fellow troops have spent the last 10 years fighting to protect the freedoms of the American people.”

Panel 3: A police officer shoots the veteran in the head. There is blood, but the veteran is not dead. He’s only wounded.

Panel 4: The police officer who spoke earlier says, “Correction, you’ve been fighting for our freedoms.”

Panel 5: The veteran growls  and a little girl in the crowd of protesters asks, “Whatever happened to ‘Support the Troops?'”

THE END

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October 22, 2017

(Comic) How Civilians Protesting Works

By wise sloth

(Comic) How Civilians Protesting Works

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Illustrated Parables
An Old Man From Jersey Explains Life

An old man sits on the steps to his apartment and explains life to an eight-year-old boy.

This Was Your Life

Loki and a friend taunt the dead at the Pearly Gates to the Underworld

 

TRANSCRIPT

 

A crowd of protesters are loitering in front of Wall Street. A policeman approaches the
crowd.
NARRATOR
One day on Wall Street…
COP
What are you peopling doing here? Don’t you know it’s illegal for this many people to be in the
same place at the same time unless you’re buying something?
PROTESTOR
It’s cool. Don’t worry about it. We’re protesting against how billionaires have bought out the
government and used their backroom influence to create an unconscionable disparity of wealth
and power in this country.
COP
The correct way to go about having your voices heard in government is to vote between two
candidates whose campaigns are financed by billionaires.
PROTESTOR
Believe me. We’ve tried that…with predictable results. That’s our point. Our voices aren’t being
heard in government. You think we want to be sleeping on the streets?
COP
*sigh* fine. I’ll let you protest for a little while, but you have to do it quietly behind fences where
nobody will notice you.
PROTESTOR
…so we only have the freedom of speech as long as we speak in the most noncommittal way that
eliminates any leverage our voice could have?
COP
It either that or get beat, tazed, maced, arrested, fined and saddled with a criminal record.
PROTESTOR
But we haven’t broken any laws!
COP
We’ll cook up some excuse to arrest you.
PROTESTOR
So that’s the government’s official stance on people who protest against government corruption?
COP
That shouldn’t surprise you. The billionaires you’re protesting against just donated 4.6 million
dollars to our police force, and the president and the mayor are both in bed with them.
PROTESTOR
That just underscores how important it is for us to be protesting. We’re not going anywhere.
COP
Okay, but FYI, police are almost never held accountable for excessive use of force.
NARRATOR
Meanwhile in living rooms across the country…
SCENE: A man is sitting on his couch in a poor looking house. Faux News Network is playing on
the television.
MAN
I’ll just watch a little television to take my mind off the fact that I’m unemployed and my house
is being foreclosed on…
TELEVISION
The people responsible for the financial collapse have instructed us to inform you that pinheaded
anarchists are disturbing the peace on Wall Street. Hopefully, the police will teach those whiny
brats a lesson very soon.
MAN
Stupid protesters.

THE END

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October 22, 2017

(Comic) How Freedom Works

By wise sloth

(Comic) How Freedom Works

 

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Illustrated Parables
An Old Man From Jersey Explains Life

An old man sits on the steps to his apartment and explains life to an eight-year-old boy.

This Was Your Life

Loki and a friend taunt the dead at the Pearly Gates to the Underworld

 

TRANSCRIPT

 

An innocent looking little girl is standing in front of Congress talking to an elephant
and a donkey.
ELEPHANT AND DONKEY
Congratulations!!! You win!!! Hooray!!!
GIRL
What did I win?
ELEPHANT
You were born in the greatest country in the world!
DONKEY
And in all of history!!!
GIRL
Hooray for me! But why is it the best country ever?
ELEPHANT
It’s the land of the free and the home of the brave!
DONKEY
And it was created by the people, for the people!
GIRL
Well, I’ll just be getting on with my life and enjoying my freedom now. Bye.
ELEPHANT
Hold on. You’ll need to read the rulebook first.
DONKEY
Trust me. You do not want to break any of the rules.
NARRATOR
A little while later…
GIRL
I was reading your rulebook, and there were a lot of rules in there that I didn’t agree with…and
not just a little bit. Some of those rules seriously contradict my moral values, and some other
ones are blatantly illogical. Here, let me point out a few of the more glaring examples.
ELEPHANT
Hold it right there, terrorist! It works like this. You follow the rules we give you. If you don’t
then we lock you in prison for a long time, and after we let you out we tell everyone not to hire
you because you’re a bad person.
DONKEY
Just don’t treat your pets the way you were treated in prison or you’ll go to prison.
GIRL
I appreciate that you have a job to do, and it’s not easy keeping a nation in the balance between
order and anarchy, but I simply can’t honor any external laws that violate my core principles,
especially when you just said that this country was built by the people, for the people. If the
highest authority in the land is the people then I’m putting my foot down on this.
ELEPHANT
I don’t think you understand, we pay an army of well-armed, unquestioning mercenaries and
ideologues that can and will make you follow any rule we hand down to them.
GIRL
Where do you get the money for that?
DONKEY
About that…here’s the bill.
GIRL
What?! You want me to pay other people to force me to follow rules I don’t agree with and that
they might not even agree with?
ELEPHANT
We’re not asking anyone.
DONKEY
We’re telling you.
GIRL
I’m not going to finance my own oppression. I won’t pay.
ELEPHANT
Then you’re going to prison.
DONKEY
The rule book is very clear about this. It’s against the law not to pay us whatever we tell you that
you have to pay us.
GIRL
That’s the very definition of extortion! That’s stealing!
ELEPHANT
That’s not stealing. We build roads with that money too. You like roads don’t you?
GIRL
I’m old enough to know what a straw man argument is. The fact that I give you some of my
money to do the job I hired you to do doesn’t give you the right to claim more of my money to
finance terrorizing me.
ELEPHANT
Actually, we decide what we have the right to do.
DONKEY
That’s how being in power works.
GIRL
This system sucks. What do I have to do to change it?
ELEPHANT
Luckily we have the best system in the entire world to make sure you get what you want! Vote
for me. I’ll fix everything.
DONKEY
He said that before and he only made it worse. Vote for me and I’ll fix everything.
ELEPHANT
No! He said that before and he only made it worse. Vote for me and I’ll fix everything.
DONKEY
No! Vote for me and I’ll fix everything. Ha ha ha ha
GIRL
That’s it. I’m immigrating to another country.
ELEPHANT
In theory, you have that right, but seriously, we’ll see you next April.
DONKEY
We made it as hard as possible for the poor to leave any country.

THE END

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October 22, 2017

(Comic) How Congressional Elections Work

By wise sloth

(Comic) How Congressional Elections Work

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Illustrated Parables
An Old Man From Jersey Explains Life

An old man sits on the steps to his apartment and explains life to an eight-year-old boy.

This Was Your Life

Loki and a friend taunt the dead at the Pearly Gates to the Underworld

TRANSCRIPT

 

A man is standing in front of the White House talking to an elephant and a donkey.
MAN
I’m going to run for Congress or maybe even president…but I don’t even know where to begin.
ELEPHANT AND DONKEY
We can help!
MAN
What exactly can you do for me?
ELEPHANT
We’ll take care of all the registration paperwork and red tape. We’ll give you brand recognition
and manage your campaign.
DONKEY
But most importantly- we’ll connect you with investors.
MAN
Wait. What does a politician need investors for?
ELEPHANT
He didn’t say “investors.” He said, “Donors.”
DONKEY
Of course, your donors will expect you to represent their interests once you’re in office.
MAN
I’m going to represent my voters’ interest once I’m in office.
ELEPHANT
Exactly! You just have to appreciate that your donors are voting with their dollars.
DONKEY
And each dollar equals one vote.
MAN
So what if these financial voters want me to do something that’s not in the public voter’s interest?
ELEPHANT
Well, I mean, you have to ask yourself who helped you win all those public votes.
DONKEY
Also, consider that your financial voters can vote you out with their money next election if they
need to.
MAN
I don’t know. IT just kind of seems like a conflict of interest. It almost seems like bribery…or
even extortion.
ELEPHANT
You new guys are so cute. It’s not bribery or any of that. IT’s called playing ball.
DONKEY
And everyone who plays is a winner.
MAN
So I guess I’ll need to present my platform to these donor-investor-voters so they can decide
whether they want to vote for me or my opponent.
ELEPHANT
…No. Your platform is to win. The less you stand for the fewer faults anyone can find in you.
See, this is why we write all your speeches for you. So you don’t make mistakes like that.
DONKEY
Anyway, the big donors vote on every candidate just to make sure their interests are represented
no matter who wins.
MAN
That’s some unethical bullshit right there. I’m running against you as an independent.
ELEPHANT
Well, it was nice knowing you.
DONKEY
I hope you enjoyed your time in politics.

THE END

Leave a comment   |  tags: , , , , , , , | posted in How America Works, voting

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