The Wise Sloth

“Two Conservative Ladies” is a series of dark-humored, satirical, three-panel comic strips about two old fashioned women discussing modern Conservative talking points.

Read the rest of the Two Conservative Ladies comics:

#1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14

TRANSCRIPT

Each comic is 3 panels long. Each panel has the same black and white photo of two middle-aged Caucasian women wearing nice clothes from the early 1900’s.

COMIC #1

Woman #1: You know who I blame for all America’s problems?

Woman #2: No, who?

Woman#1: Those God damned Jews.

Woman #2: Dear, it’s not 1941 anymore. Haven’t you seen Shindler’s List? You can’t talk like that anymore.

Woman #1: Okay then, I blame the niggers.

Woman #2: It’s not 1951 anymore either. You can’t use the N-word!

Woman #1: Okay then, I blame the liberals.

Woman #2: I know, right? I’d never let my daughter date a fucking libtard!

COMIC #2

Woman #1: I can’t wait to get another Republican president.

Woman #2: Why’s that, dear?

Woman#1: Haven’t you seen the news in the past 4 years? The democratic president has been taking away people’s freedoms, screwing the blue collar class, killing innocent people and wasting tax payer money while grandstanding for other people’s accomplishments and taking record breaking vacations…But if a Republican were president we wouldn’t have to be so upset about him doing all those horrible things.

Woman #2: I know what will make you feel like a better person. Let’s go to church.

Woman #1: Then let’s go shopping!

COMIC #3

Woman #1: You know why I hate Obama most?

Woman #2: Why’s that dear?

Woman#1: Because he’s a Muslim. I never thought I’d live to see the day our president worships a false prophet. How is the president supposed to represent the 100% Christian population of America when he follows the teachings of a false prophet? The idea makes me want to vomit.

Woman #2: Would you ever vote for a Mormon? I mean, Joseph Smith was as much a false prophet as Mohammed.

Woman #1: Do I have any other choice?

Woman #2: Nope.

Woman #1: I guess a Mormon will do. I can’t be bothered to go too far out of my way to stand up for my principles.

COMIC #4

Woman #1: Have you looked at your taxes lately?

Woman #2: No. Never. I married into money, and my husband’s accountant takes care of all that.

Woman#1: Well, if you don’t vote Republican then your taxes are going to get raised!

Woman #2:  What will the government spend that money on?

Woman #1:  Social services like health care for our husband’s workers.

Woman #2: I’m not worried. If our taxes go up my husband will just lower his workers’ pay to cover the difference….just like every other time before.

COMIC #5

Woman #1: You know what got this country into the mess it’s in?

Woman #2: What’s that, dear?

Woman#1: Too many government regulations. Why can’t the government just get out of our lives and let the invisible hand of freedom guide us to happiness?

Woman #2: I know, right? Now if you’ll excuse me I’m going to go marry the woman of my dreams.

Woman #1: …over my dead body.

COMIC #6

Woman #1: You know what I love most about America?

Woman #2: What’s that, dear?

Woman#1: It was founded on the teachings of our lord and savior, Jesus Christ! What was that one thing Jesus said?

Woman #2: “If you want to be perfect, go, sell your possessions and give to the poor and you will have treasure in Heaven?”

Woman #1: No. No. No. He said something else.

Woman #2: “Mercy is for the weak?”

Woman #1:  That’s the one.

COMIC #7

Woman #1: You remember when Obama tried to take away all our guns?

Woman #2: I sure do. I ain’t never been madder in my whole life…until last week.

Woman#1: What happened last week to make you so mad?

Woman #2: The government got caught selling guns to…

Woman #1: To who?

Woman #2: …someone other than me.

COMIC #8

Woman #1: Can you believe this bullshit about Obama using executive privilege?

Woman #2: I know, right? No Republican in history has ever used executive privilege. Fuck Obama. Fuck him in his stupid ass fucking ass.

Woman#1: Do you even know what executive privilege is?

Woman #2:  Nope.

Woman #1: Well, executive privilege is…

Woman #2: Come on. You know me. You don’t need to explain it. In fact, this is boring. Let’s talk about something else.

Woman #1: Fuck Obama for golfing.

Woman #2: Fuck him for wearing hats!

COMIC #9

Woman #1: Did you hear about those gay activists taking a picture of themselves flipping off a portrait of Ronald Reagan at the White House?

Woman #2: Can you believe the disrespect some people have for other people?

Woman#1: Say, I’ve got an idea. Let’s make flipping off pictures illegal.

Woman #2: …just like gay marriage!

Woman #1 and Woman #2: HAAHAHAAHAHAAHAHA!

COMIC #10

Woman #1: I just got done reading “The Jungle” by Upton Sinclair.

Woman #2: What was that about?

Woman#1: It’s about a dystopian future where unions and big government ruin everyone’s lives.

Woman #2: When was that written?

Woman #1: A long time ago.

Woman #2:  You’d think people would have learned by now.

Woman #1: You’d think.

“Two Conservative Ladies” is a series of dark-humored, satirical, three-panel comic strips about two old fashioned women discussing modern Conservative talking points.

Read the rest of the Two Conservative Ladies comics:

#1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14

TRANSCRIPT

Each comic is 3 panels long. Each panel has the same black and white photo of two  middle aged Caucasian women wearing nice clothes from the early 1900’s.

COMIC #1

Woman #1: I saw a liberal douche bag on the internet criticizing conservatives for being judgemental hypocrites.

Woman #2: It never ceases to amaze me what colossal cock bags all liberals are.

Woman#1: Wait a minute. They’re judging us for judging them for judging us…for judging…my God! Maybe we’re the same!

Woman #2: No, dear. There’s one very important difference between us and them.

Woman #1: What’s that, dear?

Woman #2: We have guns.

COMIC # 2

Woman #1: You know what I hate most about liberals?

Woman #2: What’s that, dear?

Woman#1: They’re sheep. They just blindly follow their leaders with total faith no matter how obvious it is they’re being led over a cliff.

Woman #2: You know what I hate most about liberals?

Woman #1: What’s that, dear?

Woman #2: Well, it’s like Fox News says, liberals are unpatriotic traitors for…well, everything.

Woman #1: Amen!

COMIC # 3

Woman #1: I came home today, and my daughter had the most wretched poster taped to her bedroom wall.

Woman #2: What was it?

Woman#1: A quote that said, “Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free…” and some other socialist bullshit that I didn’t even bother reading.

Woman #2: What did you do?

Woman #1: I replaced it with my favorite quote, “The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants.”

Woman #2: You’re an excellent mother.

COMIC # 4

Woman #1: You know what I hate most about Muslims?

Woman #2: What’s that, dear?

Woman#1: The way they subjugate women and make them wear burqas and hajibs. It’s blatant sexual oppression, but they try to pretend like they’re doing women a favor when everyone except the most deluded religious fanatic knows that’s bullshit.

Woman #2: I know, right? Well, I’m going to go sunbathe topless with the guys.

Woman #1: …over my dead body.

COMIC # 5

Woman #1: Did you hear this bullshit about Obama asking for campaign donations through gift registries?

Woman #2: No shit, right? Our Republican candidate hasn’t accepted one cent of campaign donations. So fuck Obama. Fuck him in his greedy fucking face!

Woman#1:  Uuuh. Actually, our Republican candidate has raised over $122 million in campaign contributions.

Woman #2: Oh…so what were we supposed to be mad about again?

Woman #1: We’re supposed to be mad about how he’s accepting campaign donations.

Woman #2: Yeah, fuck Obama for coming up with the idea of using gift registries first.

COMIC # 6

Woman #1: You know who I love more than anyone else in the world?

Woman #2: Who’s that, dear?

Woman#1: The troops! I bought more “support the troops” merchandise than anyone in the neighborhood.!

Woman #2: Then you should sign this petition to end the U.C.M.J, an unconscionable piece of legislation that strips the troops of their basic human rights and dignities and turns them into second class citizens in a psychopathic cult caste system.

Woman #1: …so basically what you’re saying is you don’t support the troops.

Woman #2: No. I’m saying the troops are victims and we need to save them from the military.

Woman #1: Fuck ’em. They knew what they were getting into when they signed up.

COMIC # 7

Woman #1: You know who I love just as much as Jesus?

Woman #2: Who’s that, dear?

Woman#1: The founding fathers of America. I hang on every word they said as if it were gospel.

Woman #2: Didn’t the founding fathers advocate separation of church and state?

Woman #1: Much like the gospel, I cherry pick which of the founding fathers’ ideas I embrace and which ones I reinterpret through my own values.

Woman #2: I suppose it wouldn’t have mattered if Jesus ever said anything about cognitive dissonance.

COMIC # 8

Woman #1: I’ve figured out how to solve all of America’s problems!

Woman #2: How’s that, dear?

Woman#1: If we lower the minimum wage and stop making the rich pay taxes then the rich will get richer. Then the wealth will trickle down, and everyone will be saved!

Woman #2: Where will the government get the money to run all the prisons?

Woman #1: We’ll just raise taxes on the poor and cut all their social services.

Woman #2: Let’s raise the cost of living too!

Woman #1: That’ll help even more!

Woman #2: The poor are going to be so happy.

COMIC # 9

Woman #1: You know what’s ruining this country?

Woman #2: What’s that, dear?

Woman#1: All these stupid, dirty, nasty, ugly, backwards German and Italian immigrants!

Woman #2: …wait, what?

Woman #1: ….er, I mean, Mexicans and Muslims.

Woman #2: That’s better.

COMIC # 10

Woman #1: You know what I love most about America?

Woman #2: What’s that, dear?

Woman#1: It’s the land of the free. Anyone can come here and become anything if they just want it bad enough. This country is a beacon of hope for humanity.

Woman #2: It’s a shame this great country is being ruined by people not thinking or acting like good, Christian conservatives.

Woman #1: We can fix that with a few more laws.

Woman #2: …and a few more prisons.

“Two Conservative Ladies” is a series of dark-humored, satirical, three-panel comic strips about two old fashioned women discussing modern Conservative talking points.

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Read the rest of the Two Conservative Ladies comics:

#1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14

TRANSCRIPT

Each comic is 3 panels long. Each panel has the same black and white photo of two middle aged Caucasian women wearing nice clothes from the early 1900’s.

COMIC # 1

Woman #1: Do you remember that scene in “Schindler’s List” where Schindler gives that speech about how he could have saved more of his workers’ lives if he’d kept less money for himself?

Woman #2: I don’t know. I guess so. Why?

Woman#1: Well, do you think you would have given a similar speech if you were in the same situation?

Woman #2: Hell no! I would have told my workers if they wanted a better life they should have worked harder! I don’t believe in fucking hand outs!

Woman #1: Excellent. You’ve passed the right wing test. You are now one of us.

Woman #2: The circle is complete.

COMIC # 2

Woman #1: This morning my daughter asked me how you know if someone is a liberal.

Woman #2: And what did you tell her?

Woman#1: You spot a liberal the same way you spot a terrorist. They’re anyone who disagrees with you.

Woman #2: What did she say to that?

Woman #1: She said, “I get it. So liberals are a phantom enemy we should wage an unquestioning, endless holy war against.”

Woman #2: Your daughter is going to be such a productive member of society.

COMIC # 3

Woman #1: This morning my daughter asked why conservatives are against abortion but for the death penalty.

Woman #2: Oh? And what did you tell her?

Woman#1: …that fetuses aren’t black.

COMIC # 4

Woman #1: Do you think climate change is real?

Woman #2: Oh, you mean global warming? Come on. We both know science has thoroughly debunked that myth.

Woman#1: Do you believe the big bang and evolution are real?

Woman #2: Come on. We both know science is just theories.

Woman #1: So can we trust scientists?

Woman #2: Only the ones who confirm our biases.

COMIC # 5

Woman #1: Today my daughter asked me why she has to stand during the pledge of allegiance.

Woman #2: What did you tell her?

Woman#1: I took her to the veteran’s hospital and told her, “It’s your right not to stand for the pledge, but let me introduce you to some people who can’t stand because they fought for your freedom.”

Woman #2: What did she say about that?

Woman #1: She asked why she has to pledge unquestioning loyalty to the same government that I base my life around bitching about.

Woman #2: What did you do then?

Woman #1 I spanked the shit out of her for questioning my authority.

COMIC # 6

Woman #1: I told my maids and butlers that I expect them to hand out champaign at my Christmas party again.

Woman #2: Naturally.

Woman#1: But they said they wouldn’t do it unless I gave them overtime and holiday pay. One of them flat out refused!

Woman #2: My goodness! How did you react?

Woman #1: I refused, and I reminded them that that’s why they’re poor…because they’re just a bunch of lazy bums always looking for a hand out.

Woman #2: If only they could see you’re really helping them by not letting them become dependent.

COMIC # 7

Woman #1: Today my daughter asked me what a socialist is.

Woman #2: What did you tell her?

Woman#1: I told her a socialist is a failure who expects the government to redistribute the nation’s wealth to pad their pockets at everyone else’s expense.

Woman #2: What did she say about that?

Woman #1: She asked me why I defend C.E.O.s of big businesses so loyally if they’re all socialists. So I explained to her that C.E.O.s are job creators who can never be questioned. Then I kicked her unemployed ass out of the house.

COMIC # 8

Woman #1: Have you heard about the American Dream?

Woman #2: The American Dream? No, I’ve never heard of that before in my entire life, ever. Why?

Woman#1: Well, my daughter said she expected to get it.

Woman #2: What? Like for Christmas? Well get it for her! Get the latest model. It’ll make you look like a better parent than your neighbors.

Woman #1: No. No. No. Apparently the American Dream is the idea that you can expect a job with decent pay, an affordable home and a secure retirement.

Woman #2: Damn. Kids are such spoiled pieces of shit these days. Where did these self-entitled fuck wads get their values?

COMIC # 9

Woman #1: My daughter just got beat up by the police for standing up for her beliefs!

Woman #2: You see!?!? This is why we’re guaranteed the right to assemble and to bear arms!

Woman#1: …but…

Woman #2: This is why it’s every citizen’s duty to question authority and dissent to unlawful control! This country belongs to the people, not to…

Woman #1: She was at the Occupy Wall Street protest.

Woman #2: Oh…stupid, ungrateful hippie. She got what she deserved.

COMIC # 10

Woman #1: I just heard about this fucked up thing that happened…

Woman #2: You see!?!? It’s those fucking liberals’ fault. They’re always fucking up everything, and just when you think things can’t get any worse they fuck it up even more.

Woman#1: …but…

Woman #2: I swear, one more thing like this happens and I’m just going to snap. I don’t know how much more I can take. I mean, when are the liberals going to realize how bad they’re fucking everything up?!?!

Woman #1: …but I haven’t even said what happened.

Woman #2: I honestly don’t care.

“Two Conservative Ladies” is a series of dark-humored, satirical, three-panel comic strips about two old fashioned women discussing modern Conservative talking points.

Read the rest of the Two Conservative Ladies comics:

#1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14

TRANSCRIPT

COMIC #1

Woman #1: Would you like to hear my one-point plan to end poverty?

Woman #2: Sure thing, dear.

Woman#1: End welfare!

Woman #2: Do you have any other thoughts on the causes of poverty or how to rectify them?

Woman #1: …not until Fox News tells them to me.

COMIC #2

Woman #1: I figured out how to end poverty!

Woman #2: How’s that, dear?

Woman#1: The poor should want to work degrading, dead-end jobs in sweat shops as disposable wage slaves.

Woman #2: How does that end poverty?

Woman #1: Well…if nobody complains then there isn’t a problem.

COMIC #3

Woman #1: My daughter tried to start telling me some liberal bullshit the other day.

Woman #2: What did you do?

Woman#1: I called her a stupid libtard and started reciting talking points I’d heard on the Fox News echo chamber.

Woman #2: Did that shut her up?

Woman #1: No! She just kept telling me facts and statistics that contradicted everything I said!

Woman #2: Damn. Libtards are so closed minded. They never listen.

COMIC #4

Woman #1: The resort I spent the last week at charged me $7 for a soda. They should be arrested for extortion!

Woman #2: Whoa, hold on. You can’t make a categorical imperative out of that.

Woman#1: Why’s that?

Woman #2: Competition always drives down the price of goods in an unregulated market.

Woman #1: That makes perfect sense! Now I love paying $7 for a soda!

Woman #2: And so should people without $7.

COMIC #5

Woman #1: You know who I love more than anyone else in the world?

Woman #2: Your children of course.

Woman#1: You know who I hate more than anyone else in the world?

Woman #2: Who’s that, dear?

Woman #1: Their school teachers.

Woman #2: Why do you hate them so much?

Woman #1 Well, someone has to take responsibility for my complete failure as a parent.

COMIC #6

Woman #1: My daughter is so naive. She said it’s self evident that all humans are equal and should be guaranteed equal rights, privileges and dignities.

Woman #2: So she thinks men, women, gays, politicians, enlisted troops, military officers, police officers, felons, foreigners, children and the elderly should all be guaranteed the exact same legal  rights, privileges and dignities?

Woman#1: “100% equality” were her exact words.

Woman #2: What fucking country does she think she lives in?

Woman #1: Fucking fantasy land, apparently.

COMIC #7

Woman #1: I saw this lady in a nurse’s uniform standing in the welfare line. Right across the street was a fruit farm that was hiring.

Woman #2: I said, “Hey, lazy ass. Why don’t you go pick fruit for minimum wage and no benefits?”

Woman#1: She asked me why I didn’t go do demeaning work for demeaning pay.

Woman #2: What did you tell her?

Woman #1: I told her that kind of work is beneath trust fund babies who married into old money.

COMIC #8

Woman #1: Do you think if customer service jobs paid a living wage and didn’t treat workers like second class citizens then more welfare recipients would take those jobs?

Woman #2: Hmmm. I never thought about it that in depth before.

Woman#1: …and?

Woman #2: …and I’m never going to.

COMIC #9

Woman #1: Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf!

Woman #2: Please, God. Please make her be quiet.

Caption: Many years later…

Woman#1: Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf!

Caption: Until one day…

Woman #1: Oh Fuck! Everybody run! There’s a fucking wolf!

Woman #2: Dear lord, thank you for these ear plugs.

Wolf: Grrrrrrrrr.

COMIC #10

Woman #1: You know, the Supreme Court is supposed to be the most objective, wise body of lawmakers in the universe, but every time we have a democratic president he stacks it with liberal judges.

Woman #2: It’s unethical. It’s a conflict of interests, abuse of power, and it defeats half the purpose of having a supreme court.

Woman#1: I know, right? I can’t wait until we get a few more Republican presidents…so they can stack the Supreme Court with extreme right wing leaning judges.

Woman #2: …for life.