The Wise Sloth

So I was sitting on the front steps to my apartment building the other day watching the people walk by when this kid comes up to me and says, “Hey mister.”

I say, “What do you want, kid?”

He says, “Can you explain the difference between republicans and democrats to me?”

I think about it for a minute, and then I tell him, “No.”

“You don’t know?”

“Yes and no. The thing is your question is like asking the difference between someone from the East Coast and someone from the West Coast. When you get right down to it they have more in common than they have at odds. And while they may have a few ideological differences you could point out, there’s so many people who don’t fit the stereotype you just end up looking like you got a narrow view of society when you point out those generalizations.”

“My momma says Democrats want to steal all the hard working people’s money and give to lazy people who don’t want to work.”

“Ah hell. Looks like we gotta do this. Look here, kid. That’s an over generalized stereotype that Republicans have against Democrats. In turn, the Democrats over generalize the Republicans for wanting to exploit the poor people and horde all the money in the world for themselves.”

“So the difference between them is how they want to spend money?”

“Well, there’s a few more differences. In theory, democrats tend to think less social structure is better for society. In theory, republicans tend to think more social structure is better for society, and generally speaking. In reality most people don’t think. So most democrats and republicans only have a vague emotional reaction to vague summaries of the terms “democrat” and “republican.” As for those few who actually do research in their free time, and understand what these concepts mean, they’re both right…and they’re both wrong. But yeah, if I had to say what the bottom line difference is I’d say it’s about money. For all the fancy bla, bla, bla you hear on television you’d be surprised how many of the world’s problem boil down to just money.”

“So who’s right about what we should do with the money?”

“Well, that’s why they resent each other so much. They both want what’s best for society, but they’re both wrong about how to go about it. One side theoretically wants to use the government’s money to help the poor under the assumption that handouts won’t encourage a culture of dependency. The other side theoretically wants to use the government’s money to help the rich…or at least keep the government from taking the rich’s money under the assumption that handouts won’t build a culture of dependency.

Even if both of those tactics weren’t fundamentally flawed, they still only address the symptoms of a broken system while ignoring the source of the problem.”

“So what’s the problem?”

“The problem is inequality. Why do the rich have more money than the poor? Because they worked harder? Kid, when I was a little older than you I spent my evenings and weekends washing dishes at a little Italian joint around the corner that’s not there anymore. You don’t know the meaning of words ‘hard work’ until you’ve washed dishes for 8 hours a day, and I got paid crap.”

“But you went to school, didn’t you? That’s how you know all this stuff.”

“After high school I went to college for a year before I ran out of money. After that I went to the library, and ever since then I’ve worked under people who couldn’t tell their brain from their ass. The reason they make all the money and get all the respect is because they screwed and drank their way through 4 years of college on their parent’s dime and got that degree that says they’re a hard working, intelligent member of society.  Never mind that they haven’t read a book since. Those are the people who run this friggin country. Is it any wonder this place is screwed up?”

“So how do we fix the problem?”

“Like I said, the problem is inequality in how much money people have. The reason there’s inequality between how much money they have is because there’s an unequal opportunity for success. Sure, theoretically, everybody can make it, but there’s a huge difference between how much work it takes for a poor kid to make it and a rich kid to make it. Think what you want, but most poor kids get the shit beat out of them by life. And you expect them to have the optimism and strength to climb a mountain after that?

Even if they did have the optimism and strength it still costs money to get an education. But the jobs open to people without an education don’t pay real money, and the bills poor people have to pay cost more of a percentage of their income than rich people have to pay.

You think the poor stay poor because they don’t want money or because they don’t want to work? There might be a few bad apples, but I see poor girls out here selling their bodies for money. I see the poor boys out here selling drugs, risking going to jail or getting shot for money. What’s it say about our system that fighting on the streets is more promising than entering the work force?”

“Well, they can get scholarships or loans to go to school. Why don’t they do that?”

“Not many people can get scholarships, and even if they can it won’t pay for much. They could get loans, but then they’re going to be in debt for half their life. After spending half their life paying off their debt they’ll still be poor. So why bother?”

“Well, I think they should do something.”

“They are doing something. They’re working hard just to stay alive. If they had the same opportunities as the rich they’d be working hard at doing what the rich do.”

“So what’s that?”

“A kid that has his college paid for by his parents gets to go to college for free as far as he’s concerned. If he gets to drink and screw for four years and then get a high paying job after he gets out of course he’s going to go to college. Anybody would.

So make college free for everybody, and pretty much everybody will go to college. Then people can get the jobs they deserve and make a decent wage. Plus, with everybody being smart they’ll all be able to fix society’s problems and run things more efficiently.”

“But then who will wash the dishes.”

“The people who can’t or won’t do anything else, not the people who can’t afford a degree.”

“But who will pay for everyone to go to college?”

“If there are free websites on the Internet that have 15 million videos of white kids getting hit in the nuts there’s no reason we couldn’t have a website with 15 million videos of school lessons. And anybody could go to that school anywhere any time and have the same access to education as anybody else.”

“But how do you get a degree out of that?”

“Let me ask you something. What kind of person asks a question he could answer for himself?”

“…”
“Think about that. But to answer your question, as it stands, degrees don’t represent shit except that you could afford to go to college and had enough brain cells left between beer bongs to retain enough rote facts to pass a couple of tests on a Bell Curve.

Now computer certifications on the other hand mean something though because you can’t get one without knowing a thing or three about what you’re talking about. Replace meaningless degrees with meaningful certifications. That’s what I say.”

“And that’ll solve the world’s problems?”

“That’s only part of the solution. The other reason the rich are rich and the poor are poor is because the way the global business model works is businesses work their employees as hard as possible while paying them as little as possible. Then they charge their customers as much as possible for the cheapest quality goods and services possible. So what little money the poor have gets sucked up to the top, and it don’t trickle back down to the poor. It trickles down to the rich people’s children and grand children and great grandchildren who get to use it to open doors of opportunity for themselves without having to work as hard as everybody else for it.

I’ll tell you what, if you pay people the fair percentage of the profits that they helped the business they work for earn and you put a cap on how much profit you can extort off the goods and services you sell you’re going to see two things happen. One, poor people are going to have money to accomplish things with as well as having the peace of mind to take risks, and two, the rich are going to have more incentive to work harder to make as much money as they used to without being penalized for it with taxes only to have their money go to people who didn’t work for it. But you know why that hasn’t happened yet?”

“Why?”

“Because there’s a difference between the normal citizens who call themselves Republicans and Democrats and the politicians in power who call themselves Republicans and Democrats.

Just like the people, the politicians have more in common than they have at odds. And the thing Republican and Democrat politicians have most in common is their need for money and security. See, they don’t have much motivation to pass laws based on ideological reasons. They’re motivation is securing kickbacks from lobbyists and campaign contributions from large corporations. That’s how they keep their jobs and make enough money to secure their family legacy. Their job description is essentially to kowtow to the people who control 90% of the wealth in the country, the people with the most to gain from the system staying how it is and the most to lose by the establishment of an equitable system.

That’s why the system won’t change. Because despite all the fancy blah, blah, blah you hear on the television the poor people have an unequal amount of influence in the government, and as long as the masses stay sitting on their asses blaming these vague phantoms we call Republicans and Democrats for all the world’s problems nothing real changes. ”

“Gosh, I’m confused.”

“About what?”

“Should I be a Republican or a Democrat?”

“Jesus Christ, kid. You’re killin’ me here. You know that?”

So I was sitting on the front steps to my apartment building the other day watching the people walk by when this kid comes up to me and says, “Hey mister.”

I say, “What do you want, kid?”

He says, “Can you explain to me how to grow up?”

I think about it for a minute, and then I ask him, “Where do you want me to start from?”

“From the beginning.” The kid says.

So I think about it some more and decide this is the first thing a kid needs to understand about growing up. “How you do something depends on what you’re trying to do. So you’re gonna need to define what constitutes a grown up before you can figure out how to become a grown up. That’s the first thing.”

“My momma is a grown up.”

“Uh, yeeaaah. About that…it looks like we’re gonna have to back up. I guess the first thing you need to know is what a grown up isn’t. The second thing you need to know is what a grown up is.

The thing is, your momma doesn’t know what a grown up is. She woke up one day between the age of 3 and 6 and found herself stranded in this great, big, beautiful, lonely, indifferent universe. She didn’t have any idea who she was, where she was or what was going on, but her parents…that would be your grandparents…were there to teach her everything they knew…or at least as much of what they knew as they were inclined to teach her.

Now, parents are like Gods to children. You fear and respect your momma like God, and your momma feared and respected her parents like Gods too. Naturally, she assumed she could trust them to show her the ropes. She started mimicking their actions and beliefs because she assumed whatever they did is what everyone is supposed to do.

That’s how she learned how to navigate the clusterfuck of life. Don’t tell your momma I used that word. Thing is though, your grandparents, they never gave your momma an instruction book to life that explains what a grown up is and gives step by step instructions on how to become one. Now you tell me. Do you think you could build a watch without any instructions?”

“I can’t even tell time.”

“Well growing up is a bit more complicated than putting a watch together, and your momma only got a few pieces of the instructions from your grandparents by watching them, but those were only pieces.

Well, eventually she started going to school and meeting people from outside her house. All these people, they acted like they knew what was going on too. So she copied them too, but inevitably she started getting conflicting messages. Every once and a while she’d meet someone who would tell her that the things she did and believed in were wrong. Every once and a while she’d meet someone who did and believed things she felt wrong based on her understanding of how the world is supposed to work.

Now how do you suppose your mama figured out what to believe? I’ll tell you what she didn’t do. She never sat down with a pencil and paper and worked out the difference between right and wrong, what a grown up is, or how to become one.

I don’t mean to speak ill of your mother. She’s a wonderful woman, but when she was around your age she would just reject any idea that contradicted what she didn’t already believe. It’s not because she was a bad person. She believed what she was taught by the people she trusted. So when someone told her something that contradicted her basic understanding of the world she wouldn’t believe em’. It’s only natural.

As you mama got older and her brain finished developing she became capable of higher level thought.  After that she started thinking critically about things on those occasions when she’d meet a person with an idea that challenged hers. Thing is though, she’d only think critically when life brought a challenge to her door. She never really pushed the envelope herself. So her personal growth was pretty haphazard. Do you know what ‘haphazard’ means?”

“No sir.”

“Don’t call me ‘Sir.’ Remember all people were created equal. Anyway, ‘haphazard’ means like, ‘random’ or ‘completely by chance.’ See what I mean?”

“Yes. Si-“

“The third thing you need to know about growing up is that it doesn’t happen by itself any more than you could accidentally put a watch together. You gotta put your mind to it and work on it everyday.”

“Hey, you just jumped to the third thing, but you haven’t even explained the second thing, what an adult is.”

“You got a good memory kid. I was seeing if you were paying attention. Anyway, who says I can’t throw the third thing in there when I think it’s a good time to mention it?”

“Okay, I guess you’re right. But before you get to what an adult is, I gotta know, if my momma’s not a grown up then what is she?”

“That’s what I was trying to tell you. Your dear mother…is a product of her environment. She’s a combination of the behaviors and beliefs of her family and the culture she was raised in. On the one hand, that might not seem like such a bad thing, and some people would say that’s what a grown up is: someone who has fully assimilated to their culture. Usually when someone tells you to grow up that’s what they really mean. They’re telling you to assimilate to their standards.

The problem here is that every culture all over the world since the beginning of civilization have believed their culture had it figured out, but every culture all over the world since the beginning of civilization has had different standards of behavior and beliefs. So depending on what culture you grew up in, you’d take for granted different ideas about what it means to be a grown up. Now, how can all these people be right if they’re all different?”

“My momma took me to an Amish town one time. They seemed pretty nice.”

“Uh…yeah…anyway.  Where I was going with that was…well, yeah, okay. We’ll start with the nice Amish people. They’re a good example for what I was going to say, and that was that every culture developed their beliefs and behaviors in response to their environment. That’s why the Jews worshipped an angry tribal God, why a couple thousand years later Jesus changed the idea of God, why the Eskimos wear parkas and have like a hundred words for “snow,” why pretty much every Mexican food is some combination of corn, flour, beans and tomatoes, why the children of the people who grew up in the wild west frontier of America tend to be a little less refined than the children of people who grew up in one of Europe’s old, old city cultures and why the Amish live the way they do: because culture develops as a reaction to whatever random environment a group of people find themselves living in, and over generations of addressing life’s problems the best practices just become the way. When people move or their environment changes then their culture changes. And it’s culture changes. And I’m not just talking about rain and snow here. Roads, technology, access to education, economies, governments, these are all environmental factors that cultures have to adapt to…but that’s more than you need to know.

Look, one thing that’s true everywhere in the world is that life’s hard. If you want to survive you gotta learn how to be responsible, and what it takes to survive changes depending on your environment. So all these cultures were right in one sense.”

“So an adult is someone who is responsible, and someone who is responsible is someone who knows how to survive.

“Look at you. You’re a quick one, kid, but that’s not the whole answer even though a lot of parents raise their kids like it is. Responsibility is a paradox. You probably don’t know what that word means, but it doesn’t matter.

If being responsible means learning and doing whatever it takes to survive then the most responsible thing to do would be to work all day everyday and make all the money you can and never have any fun. There comes a point where obsessing over survival defeats the purpose of surviving.

“So what’s the purpose of surviving?”

“It’s the same for you and me as it is for a flower, to grow to your full potential and bloom, not because it accomplishes anything else in the world but just for the sake of experiencing the majesty of existing for its own sake, and since what you experience is defined by who you are then in order to experience life to its fullest you have to become you to your fullest. So that’s what it means to be a grown up, to become you to the fullest extent possible.”

“Are you a grown up? You seem pretty smart.”

“I’m not dumb enough to claim to be anything but lost, but if you want some good examples of grown ups, there’s Leonardo Da Vinci, Socrates, Benjamin Franklin, Confucius, people like that.”

“I don’t know all of those people, but the ones I do know were really, really smart. I mean, they were born smart. I won’t ever be that smart.”

“Kid, if you put as much effort into growing as you do making excuses and defending where you’re at you could become 10 times greater than Leonoardo Da Vinci.

Okay, I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings, but sometimes the truth hurts. Anyway, it’s not all about being smart. It’s about being you.  Being smart is just one facet of who you are. Granted, part of growing up is figuring out life and getting your bearings straight in this great, big, beautiful, lonely, indifferent universe. If you don’t have a bag of philosophies to explain your way around this place you’ll wander around lost your whole life and never get anywhere.

That’s why every culture is wrong. They don’t have life figured out. So assimilating to your culture is going to keep you a kid your entire life even if it does teach you how to survive. You gotta transcend your culture intellectually in order to grow up.

But growing up isn’t just about surviving and understanding the world around you. What happens if you’re stuck on a deserted island where nothing you ever do will ever matter outside of yourself and you can never go anywhere else? Would your life be meaningless? No. Of course it wouldn’t.  Why? Because you’d still be you, and that was the whole point all along anyway.

In order to finish growing up you gotta figure out who you are, how you became who you are…so as your not controlled by your past, who you want to be and what you’re going to do to become who you want to be.”

“What do I do after I become who I want to be?”

“After that you just…be. And you can do that anywhere. Why, you can do it right on your front porch steps even.”

“Huh. Well, I just got one more question.”

“Shoot.”

“So why isn’t my momma a grown up? She seems like her to me.”

“…Because your momma never really decided who she wanted to be. She let the world decide that for her.”

“Huh. Well I Gotta go home now. I’m already late.”

“I thought you couldn’t tell time. Eh, whateva, run along. Say hello to your mother for me.”

Check out the rest of the Old Man From Jersey series of philosophical comics: