I have this theory about where heroes come from. Look throughout American history, and you can find some incredible heroes who fought in the name of social justice. There are no great leaders today. America is so starved for real heroes that it’s resorted to looking up to sports players and TV characters as substitutes. Why don’t we have any heroes, and why were there so many in the past? What was different?
As cliché as it is to pull the “Fight Club” card, I think Chuck Palahniuk touched on it when he wrote that we have no great war to fight. If you look back through history at any hero anywhere you’ll notice that they all had great wars to fight. Think about Winston Churchill. He was a great orator, a capable leader, and a massive alcoholic. Ask yourself this, if it weren’t for Hitler, would many American know Winston Churchill’s name?
There are rarely heroes without a war to respond to because human nature is to sit around docilely as long as nothing is bothering you. The more something bothers you the more you respond to it. However, depending on how house-broken you are, you’ll put up with degrading levels of abuse before you stand up for yourself. Some people are so housebroken they’d let themselves get poked to death with a stick. Some people are so housebroken they’d kill to keep getting poked by that familiar stick.
Some people get fed up with getting poked by the stick and stand up and take the stick away. From an evolutionary standpoint, it sort of makes sense. If there’s no need for heroes then nobody would be motivated to become a hero. Unfortunately, heroes don’t seem to stand up until the poking has turned into bloody beatings.
So you have to ask yourself, how much are you getting poked? Have you ever seen anyone getting hurt or killed from the poking around you? And at what level would you actually stand up and be a hero? Or would you take your beatings to the grave?
I just wanted to vent some frustration I’ve been feeling lately that everyone without a trust fund can relate to. By saying this I’m not looking for advice. I know the solutions to the problem. It’s just that those solutions are long and hard. So this is really just a commentary on how the system in the supposedly greatest nation in the world sucks.
Man, it just seems like the cards are stacked against us from birth, and succeeding in the land of opportunity is fucking hard. I mean, really hard. Yeah, I know you’re supposed to buck up, not be a pussy, rise to the challenge, and overcome the obstacles in life, but it seems like there are a lot of superfluous obstacles standing between the common person and the success we’ve been promised as our birthright.
For example, we have free public education. Awesome. This hasn’t always been the case, and the quality of life for the common person increased exponentially after this change occurred. However, it’s a well documented fact that the poorer you are the poorer an area you’re going to live in. The poorer the area you live in the worse your education will be. Thus, the less of a chance you’ll have to succeed. The richer you are the better school district you’ll be in. Thus, on top of all the other benefits you were born with, you’ll also get this free source of empowerment.
College is too damned expensive. I sold my soul to the military to pay for college even though I graduated 11th in my class and had a few scholarships. It still wasn’t enough. You can get loans to go to college, but why should you have to do that? College should be free. As long as it’s not it’ll serve as an obstacle to success for the poor and a vehicle to success for the rich. As it stands though, poor people either don’t go to college or finance it through loans that they’ll be paying back for a very long time. Thus, even when they enter the work force they’re starting their lives in debt.
When you enter the work force without a college degree you can only climb the corporate ladder so far based on your merit. You’ll quickly reach a point though where you can’t go any higher without a degree. The really fucked up thing is, and you’ll see this if you work any length of time, that people with degrees don’t have to prove their merit nearly as much as people without degrees. So you end up getting unqualified morons in high paying management positions who can’t be fired because their unqualified moronic boss believes that since they have a degree they must have earned it and the position they hold. All the while the non degree holders are busting their asses twice as hard for half as much with little hope for advancement unless they go in debt while taking night classes after coming home from an exhausting, thankless job.
Something you probably won’t be taught in school unless you take economy classes in a college you can’t afford is that you have to buy a house. Paying rent your entire life is a huge waste of money that will terminally cripple your financial security. And unfortunately, you probably can’t afford a house. You certainly can’t pay cash. So you have to get a loan. You can’t get a loan for that much money unless you make enough money, which you probably don’t, and/or your credit is very good. Your credit won’t be very good though unless you have a long history of paying off debt on time. Well, if you’ve been in debt all these years, then you don’t have any money. But supposing you can get a mortgage you have to pay 20% down, which you probably can’t do. So you have to pay mortgage insurance, which is through the roof and people who were born rich don’t have to pay. You also have to buy insurance, pay an inspector to inspect your house, agree to an interest rate that is based on no other calculation than how much the banks can gouge you for, and on top of all that, if you only pay the minimum balance of your mortgage each month the final cost of your house including interest will be twice as much as the actual cost of the house. The poor get twice as poor out of this arrangement and the rich bankers get twice as rich.
Suppose you want to get around this problem by building your own house. Not so fast, there are so many bureaucratic (even the word is spelled all fucked up) red tape around that you won’t be able to do it without paying someone a lot of money who knows the ropes. Plus you’ll have to pay surveyors, draftsmen, building permits, construction crews who will each mark up the price, etc. And you’ll have to buy a house in the middle of nowhere because you can’t afford good land close to the jobs. And the reason office buildings won’t be built near your house is because of zoning restrictions that prevent office building from being built in residential neighborhoods. So you have to spend a lot of gas (and money) driving to work. And the only reason gas prices are so high is because the ability to lobby and finance politicians through campaign contributions has created a streamlined method for big business to bribe and control our politicians…in a country that claims to have the greatest government in the world to the point that we’ve been overthrowing governments for decades to implement our form of government there.
Supposing you can overcome all this, you still have to save for retirement. Your best vehicle for this is to use a tax sheltered retirement account like a Roth IRA or certain 401K plans. For rich people they can shove their spare cash in these vehicles and laugh all the way to the bank. Poor people have to sacrifice luxuries and sometimes necessities to put money in these plans. But they’re also putting their money towards fees that they get nothing in return for. Sure, it costs money to run these things, but the fees translate into ludicrous profits for the institutions and a disheartening setback for the individual. Plus, if you want to withdraw any of that money out early you’ll be fined a ludicrous amount unless you use it for very specific emergencies. Well, it’s you’re fucking money! Why are you getting penalized for taking it out? To discourage you from withdrawing it for your own good? How much good does getting raped in the wallet do you?
Your entire life you’ll still have to deal with other setbacks like registering/insuring your car. It’s you’re fucking car. Why do you have to remind the government once a year? Why do you have to renew your driver’s license? It’s not to make sure you can still drive, because you don’t take a driving test each time. You need a phone too. And the telecommunications companies will tell you they love you and will help you more than the next company, but then they pull this shit. I moved to an area with no Sprint service. Sprint refused to cancel my contract without charging me $200. Yeah, I signed a contract, but only because you have to have a phone these days. And the phone companies know this. So they’re going to use it as leverage on you. My wife even went to Sprint to get her free upgraded phone after using the company for several years. There was an $18 administrative fee to get the new phone. That doesn’t sound like a free phone to me. It sounds like an $18 phone. And we’re so used to this Orwellian double speak shit from every business we deal with that we don’t bat an eye at it anymore. That’s just life. Life is one long process of getting ripped off by the people who say they care about you, and we just take it in the ass because we have no other option save building an illegal house in the mountains and living off stream water and beaver meat. Moreover, when we bitch about it we tell each other we’re pussies and to suck it up. That doesn’t sound like being manly to me. That sounds like being a fucking idiot. But again, there ain’t shit we can do about…except boycott…which may or may not accomplish anything. Some of us could strike, but the greatest government in the world has made it illegal for a lot of people to strike. Nah, if you’re not rich you’re just fucked. All you have to look forward to is a life of hard work only to be rewarded by an underfunded retirement…
Unless you start your own business, but there’s so much bureaucratic red tape you have to navigate in order start a business that you’ll have to hire a CPA to set up your business for you. You could run it illegally under the table, but then you’ll go to jail and go more into debt. But coincidentally, you probably don’t have the money to pay the startup costs of a business anyway.
In 2009 I took my first long distance motorcycle ride from Texas to South Dakota. This is what I learned from that trip:
1. Do your research.
Wherever you are, the weather different 2,000 miles away. It may be 40 degrees cooler where you’re going than where you started from. Add a wind chill factor of 70 mph, and you’re talking cold as Santa’s balls.
If GPS says it takes 20 hours to get where you’re going and you look at a map and find an easier route that looks about the same, it’s not. If it were then your GPS would have told you to take route. The “easier” route actually takes 5 hours longer. So you’ll ride 10 hours the first day and then 15 the second day. And on the second day, you’ll be racing against the sun trying to arrive before the temperature plummets under the heartless night sky, and you’ll lose the race. Luckily by this point, your body will be so numb from the cold that you won’t feel any more pain from the cannonball run you’ve unwittingly signed yourself into.
2. Check your bike.
If you don’t know anything about bikes, at least check the easy stuff at least…like the foot pegs you bolted on yourself after drinking a 6 pack. If you don’t, the right footpeg might fall off without you knowing, leaving the only (relatively) comfortable position to hold your legs in for 50 hours is an awkward Street Fighter 2 jump kick pose.
Check to make sure your license plate is bolted on securely. Otherwise, it might fall off somewhere in Kansas leaving you to drive across 8 state lines paranoid of the cops. But take comfort in knowing that cops don’t pay much attention to motorcycles that are going the speed limit.
3. Spend the money on the right accessories… at the right time.
Take a short road trip and see how comfortable you’re going to be sitting on your bike for hours. If you find that your seat isn’t made for long distance, make sure you buy a new seat and have it on your bike before you set a date to leave. You might order a seat online and find out something went wrong and your seat isn’t going to be delivered until after your departure date.
If you don’t have the right seat for the ride, you might end up having to find something to put under your ass to pad it. Don’t get a gel-cushioned bicycle seat. It’ll only create ledges for your ass to grind against and an uncomfortable bulge under your fragile taint. You’d be a little better off using the leopard print throw cushion you put in your duffle bag to cushion it against your back.
If you don’t have a back on your seat to lean against, and you don’t have a big windshield, you’re going to spend 50+ hours using your arms to hold your body forward against 70+ mph winds. So you might want to invest in one of those.
4. If you put your gloves in your jacket while gassing up and drive off forgetting to put them back, stop immediately and put them back on.
Otherwise, the right-hand glove might fall out and be lost forever. Then you’ll have to buy a $4 pair of scissors at a gas station and cut holes in a black sock to wear as a glove so that the unexpected cold doesn’t make your hand feel like a starved chipmunk is chewing on it.
More importantly though, if you thought taking your gloves off for 3 hours while driving through northern Texas would be comfortable and cool you might find that the tops of your hands have been burnt like Beavis’s on that episode of Beavis and Butthead where Beavis stuck his hand in the fryer at whatever burger join they worked at. Then you’ll do goddamned anything to cover your hands to keep them from getting more burnt…especially after you put your stiff motorcycle jacket back on at a rest stop and the cuff sloughed the boiled skin off of the back of your hand like on that scene on “We Were Soldiers” where the cameraman pulls the wounded soldier’s legs off as he’s being loaded on the medivac chopper.
5. Everything will cost twice as much as you expect.
…and the price of gas will jump 15 cents between the time you leave and the time you return.
6. Call your bank and tell them you’re planning on taking a cross-country road trip.
Otherwise, they’ll assume somebody else did…and they’ll lock your check card out…that you’re using to pay for gas.
However, they’ll only lock your card for “suspicious activity” after you enter your secret pin in an ATM to check your balance…after charging up the card for 8 days all across the country. But if you keep $40 in your pocket you should be able to just make it back to Austin.
7. When you gas up your motorcycle pick the pump closest to the gas station window. If you park your bike behind a big SUV and walk into a gas station with hair that looks like the bride of Frankenstein got electrocuted, while wearing combat boots, MC Hammer pants, a wool/leather vintage Air Force bomber jacket (in seemingly good weather) covered in dead bugs, wearing a cut up black sock on your right hand while your left hand looks like burnt bubble wrap…and there’s a circular sunburn around your eyes and nose but not the rest of your face…if the cute gas station clerk doesn’t know you’re on the motorcycle ride from Hell, she’ll probably assume you’re a homicidal smack addict, .and she won’t smile at you.
7. That’s the ride.
If you hiked halfway across a continent and back, you would deserve to feel proud of that accomplishment no matter how many novice mistakes you made along the way. Regardless of how bad you screwed up, you still did something very few people ever will. More importantly, you did something you set out to do. You lived your life even though you were unprepared. That’s the definition of foolishness and courageousness. Even if you were totally foolish and completely at blame, you still learned how not to be a total dumb ass by being a total dumb ass. That’s how the ride works. Your first mistake is your first step towards mastery.
Riding a motorcycle gives you the same thrill as surfing -harnessing the massive power of something outside of you and bending it to your will to launch you down the highway at 70 miles an hour. As a child, you probably stuck your hand out of a car window to feel the raw energy of the world surging past you. That was just a taste of what you experience on a motorcycle.
2: Riding places you an inch away from death.
Have you ever been rafting, skydiving, skiing or bungee jumping? Have you ever watched a horror movie, gone to a haunted house, looked in the mirror and said “Bloody Mary” three times, or done anything remotely scary or dangerous just to bring a thrill to your dull suburban life? Yes. Yes, you have, because nothing makes you feel more alive than being near death. Riding a motorcycle injects that experience straight into your veins.
3: Riding brings you closer to life than a car does.
Riding in a car is the same experience as sitting in your office or living room. It’s a temperature controlled, sterile, familiar environment, and it keeps you from experiencing anything different as you transition between one controlled, sterile, familiar environment to the other. Riding breaks that up a bit. When you ride you don’t pass through your environment unaware. You become a part of it and experience it.
4: Riding cuts you off from the bullshit.
Riding a motorcycle is like traveling through space. No one can call you. No one can get in your face. No one can reach you. It’s like you don’t exist. You’re outside the system, and you can go anywhere you want. As long as you’re on your bike, you’re free from everything.
I had a conversation with a guy a long time ago. I don’t remember who his name or what we were talking about, but I remember I said something that made the guy chuckle, and he said, “You’re cool.” But he didn’t say it like it was a compliment. He said it like he was making a decision… like he was bestowing a title on me. Like I wasn’t cool until he said so. I was a little offended by that because I knew I was cool regardless of whether or not he or anyone else thought so.
Understanding you’re valuable regardless of what anyone else thinks is a vital life lesson for everyone to learn. That’s why it pisses me off that our society has a tool that teaches people their value is validated and measured by external sources like ribbons, certificates, and trophies.
Isn’t that pretty much what an award does? It says, “I deem you worthy.” I deem you the best, the second-best, third-best, or I deem you’re not worth mentioning. Sure, I’m being a little hyperbolic; awards have their place, but honestly, human beings do have a tendency to take them way too seriously. People have walls in their houses dedicated to their trophies because they believe on some level that their inherent value is reflected on that wall. That’s why people cry when they lose a contest. That’s why parents push their children to the breaking point to win competitions. Emilio Estevez’s character in “The Breakfast Club” was based on real people.
If your kid wins an award and you make a huge deal about congratulating him but you don’t make it a point to teach him that he’s valuable without the award then you’re effectively teaching him that he needs external approval to validate his internal worth, and that’s crippling.
I lose respect for adults if I see that they still have a wall full of trophies they won during childhood. Nobody needs that. If they’re so proud of themselves for having those trophies, I have to wonder if they’d still be proud without them. When I get an award, I throw it away the first moment nobody is looking, and I believe that’s healthy.
Having said all that, I hereby award you the world champion ass-kicking award. Your certificate reads as follows: “I (insert name here) don’t need your fucking award to tell me I kick ass. It goes without saying.”
Note: I served in the U.S. Air Force from 2000-2007. My AFSC was 3C0X1 (Communications computer systems operator). My highest rank was E-5 (Staff Sergeant), and I received an honorable discharge.
“A cult is a group or movement exhibiting a great or excessive devotion or dedication to some person, idea, or thing and employing unethically manipulative techniques of persuasion and control (e.g., isolation from former friends and family, debilitation, use of special methods to heighten suggestibility and subservience, powerful group pressures, information management, suspension of individuality or critical judgment, promotion of total dependency on the group and fear of leaving it, etc.) designed to advance the goals of the group’s leaders to the actual or possible detriment of members, their families, or the community.”
I’m going to go through the characteristics of a cult and break down how they apply to military. You’ll see by the end of this list that the similarities are too blatant to be explained by accidental coincidence. The more you understand the design of a cult, the more obvious it becomes that the military system was painstakingly designed around the cult model.
5 CHARACTERISTICS OF A DESTRUCTIVE CULT:
1. “Authoritarian pyramid structure with authority at the top.”
There is no system of authority in the world that fits this description more than the military’s. All the enlisted grunts with no power are at the bottom, and a few generals sit at the top raining orders down a clearly defined chain of command nobody can question. This is an authoritarian pyramid structure.
In military basic training, you’re forced to sit in classes which teach you the ranks of the pyramid authoritarian structure that you’ll have to spend the rest of your enlistment obeying. If you don’t follow every single order handed down the authoritarian pyramid structure then you’ll go to jail and get a dishonorable discharge.
Military leaders are not leaders. They’re dictators. They’re dystopian rulers. Military officers are morally equivalent to slave owners. When one human being gets to tell another human being that they have to do whatever they say or else they’ll go to jail or be shot then that make the subjugated human being a slave. This is inhumane and violates the basic human rights supposedly guaranteed to all human beings.
The authoritarian pyramid structure of the military is the largest human rights atrocity ever. It’s evil. It’s unconscionable that anyone would allow this human rights atrocity to exist. Yet it’s celebrated by humanity. We should all be ashamed and terrified over how eagerly we celebrate human right atrocities.
2. “Charismatic or messianic leader(s) (Messianic meaning they either say they are God OR that they alone can interpret the scriptures the way God intended.”
I used to know an enlisted soldier who had a coffee mug that said, “God couldn’t be everyone at once. So he created officers.” That coffee mug existed because officers have been compared to gods for years. There was even a movie titled “Gods and Generals.” I’ve often wondered if officers are taught to view themselves as gods in officer training school or if the comparison keeps coming up because they have god-sized egos and god-like power over their subordinates.
Just to remove all doubt of the officer corps claim to surrogate god-hood, all military chaplains are officers. The military has actually co-opted religion and injected it into its ranks, and even though the military makes broad attempts to accommodate service members from every faith, if there’s ever an irreconcilable conflict of interest between the military’s goals and religious doctrine, military law supersedes religious law. Muslims can’t pray towards Mecca in the middle of an exercise, and Christians have to kill when ordered to.
Underneath all of this is the ever-pervasive belief that America is God’s favored country, and to serve America is to serve God’s will. From the Declaration of Independence to every State of the Union address, American politicians align their goals with God’s, which means every soldier serves God’s will by serving their leaders’ will.
3. “Deception in recruitment and/or fund raising.”
I really, really hate the common phrase in the military, “You knew what you were getting into when you signed up.” In reality, this isn’t the case at all (unless you were a military brat). That’s why so many people try to commit suicide in basic training. They think the rest of their career is going to be like basic training and they’d rather die. They wouldn’t try to commit suicide if they actually knew what they were getting into.
Also, half of basic training is spent in a classroom where you’re taught military rules, ranks, and history…because most people don’t know anything about it before they’re recruited. Part of passing basic training is taking a test to prove you know what you’re taught about the military, and very few people make a perfect score on that test. So most people don’t even know that much about the military after basic training.
Chances are you don’t even know how much you’re going to be getting paid before you join. And anyone who has enlisted will tell you their recruiter lied to them about a slew of things. If you don’t believe me, go talk to a recruiter. They’ll paint you a glorious picture of how the military is a wonderful summer camp that turns you into a man. They’ll never mention the indignity you’ll suffer and the systematic brainwashing that will strip you of your free will and turn you into a willing slave.
4. “Isolation from society — not necessarily physical isolation like on some compound in Waco, but this can be psychological isolation — the rest of the world is not saved, not Christian, not transformed (whatever) — the only valid source of feedback and information is the group.”
This is true on both levels. You’re isolated physically in a compound. In basic training, during your indoctrination, you’re totally isolated from the outside world. You’re literally locked on base behind barbed wire fences. Later you’re shipped all over the world where you don’t know anyone and might not even speak the local language.
Ideologically you’re separated from the rest of the world by your branch’s cult culture. You’re told you’re better than civilians. You’re told you’re elite. Your unit has slogans like, “If you ain’t Ammo you ain’t shit.” Or “The best supporting the rest.”
You’re even told your branch is better than the other branches. You’re told you’re serving the best government in the world (and thus the rest are inferior). You’re told your rank is better than others. You may even have separate dining facilities from the inferior people in your own branch.
Mental and physical isolation are standard practices in the United States military because the military knows how to run an effective cult.
8 MIND CONTROL METHODS USED BY CULTS:
Military customs and courtesies are designed around the framework of mind control. They fit all 8 criteria listed by Dr. Robery Jay in his book, “Thought Reform and the Psychology of Totalism:”
1. “Milieu Control: Control of the environment and communication within the environment.”
Military bases are completely controlled. They even have laws on them that don’t apply to civilian land. Even your clothes are controlled. See what happens if you walk outside without your hat on or leave a button on your shirt unbuttoned. Communication is controlled through the chain of command. And you can’t make public statements about the military unless you’re a public affairs representative, and even then you have severe restrictions on what you can say.
2. “Mystical Manipulation: Seeks to promote specific patterns of behavior and emotion in such a way that it appears to have arisen spontaneously from within the environment, while it actually has been orchestrated totalist leaders claim to be agents chosen by God, history, or some supernatural force, to carry out the mystical imperative the “principles” (God-centered or otherwise) can be put forcibly and claimed exclusively, so that the cult and its beliefs become the only true path to salvation (or enlightenment)”
I’ll sum this up in one word, “patriotism.” What word is more mystical than that? Within the context of patriotism, the best example I can give of “mystical manipulation” is saluting the flag. Twice a day on every military base (that has a loudspeaker, which is most of them) the national anthem is played while the American flag is raised or lowered. When this happens, if you’re outside, you have to stop whatever you’re doing and salute the flag (or salute in the direction the music is coming from if you can’t see the flag).
You’re told you’re doing it out of patriotic respect for the flag. In reality, you’re doing it because you were told you had to and because you’ll be punished if you don’t. Would you have ever come up with the idea yourself to stop in the middle of the street on cue to face an inanimate object and put your hand on your head until the music stopped? No. But if you’re in the military and you see someone not saluting the flag will you chase down the “perpetrator” and angrily yell at them for their lack of respect and patriotism? Probably. And you’ll think it was your idea.
Have you ever asked why soldiers have to keep their boots shined or their uniforms pressed? There’s no practical need for it. You might assume that it’s because soldiers are well disciplined, but all the soldiers in the military didn’t independently come to the same conclusion that it would be responsible to shine their boots and press their uniforms. They were ordered to do that upon fear of severe punishment. The reason soldiers are forced to shine their shoes and press their uniforms is to keep them in the habit of doing whatever their leaders order them to without ever asking why.
3. “Demand for Purity: The world becomes sharply divided into the pure and the impure, the absolutely good (the group/ideology) and the absolutely evil (everything outside the group) one must continually change or conform to the group “norm”; tendencies towards guilt and shame are used as emotional levers for the group’s controlling and manipulative influences.”
Commander in Chief, George Bush said specifically that the United States military is fighting evil, which makes his side the good or holy side. Capitalism and Communism were divided the same way. We’ve used the term “axis of evil” more than once. Civilians are even stereotyped by the military as being weak, ignorant and ungrateful.
Within the military organization, the norms of good and evil are constantly being updated, and one must constantly relearn what is right and wrong today. There was a time when blacks, women, and homosexuals weren’t allowed in the military. Now they’re okay. Smoking inside, smoking while walking, and smoking outside designated areas used to be okay. Now they’re wrong. Walking while talking on a cell phone used to be okay. Now it’s wrong. Every year the uniform changes. I don’t know how many times I’ve seen people break rules like smoking outside of a designated area and someone bitched them out and asked, “Where’s your integrity?” Integrity has nothing to do with it, but you will be shamed into conforming to the group norms, and if that doesn’t work you’ll be punished.
4. “Confession: Cultic confession is carried beyond its ordinary religious, legal and therapeutic expressions to the point of becoming a cult in itself sessions in which one confesses to one’s sin are accompanied by patterns of criticism and self-criticism, generally transpiring within small groups with an active and dynamic thrust toward personal change”
In the military this really only happens in basic training. You’re told to admit that before you came into the military you were a useless, undisciplined slob. Now that you’re in the military you can wash away your sins by completing basic training and be transformed into a real man. Think of all the Marine commercials you’ve seen on TV where the guy picks up the sword and is surrounded by light and his clothes change into a crisp, military uniform.
5. “Sacred Science: The totalist milieu maintains an aura of sacredness around its basic doctrine or ideology, holding it as an ultimate moral vision for the ordering of human existence questioning or criticizing those basic assumptions is prohibited a reverence is demanded for the ideology/doctrine, the originators of the ideology/doctrine, the present bearers of the ideology/doctrine offers considerable security to young people because it greatly simplifies the world and answers a contemporary need to combine a sacred set of dogmatic principles with a claim to a science embodying the truth about human behavior and human psychology.”
This goes back again to military recruits being told they’re fighting for the best nation in the world and that they’re in the best branch of their nation’s military. Our constitution is even encased in Washington DC in a bullet proof display case, and you’re not allowed to take pictures of it. That’s not to say the constitution is bad, but it does carry an air of sacredness. Even our money says, “In God we trust.” on it. Thus, meaning the preservers of that dollar are protecting something holy. Even the doctrine that takes away the military’s human rights is treated as sacred. Recruits are told that the Uniform Code of Military Justice holds them to a “higher” standard than regular people and that they should be proud of it.
6. “Loading the Language: Words are given new meanings — the outside world does not use the words or phrases in the same way — it becomes a “group” word or phrase.”
There are pamphlets and even classes for new spouses of military members that teach them the new language of the military so they’ll know what it means when their spouse says, “Before I go to the BX to pick up my BDUS. I’m taking the POV to the MPF to pick up my PCS orders to my next OCONUS assignment, which should be somewhere in USAFE.”
7. “Doctrine Over Person: If one questions the beliefs of the group or the leaders of the group, one is made to feel that there is something inherently wrong with them to even question — it is always “turned around” on them and the questioner/criticizer is questioned rather than the questions answered directly the underlying assumption is that doctrine/ideology is ultimately more valid, true and real than any aspect of actual human character or human experience and one must subject one’s experience to that “truth” the experience of contradiction can be immediately associated with guilt one is made to feel that doubts are reflections of one’s own evil when doubt arises, conflicts become intense.”
I have personal experience with this. One of my supervisors asked me point blank why I wanted to get out of the military (after I already received my approval for separation). So I told him my reasons. A week later I was forced to re-swear my oath of allegiance to the military and the constitution.
You won’t last in the military if you just view it as a day job. You’re expected to buy into all the ideology. You’re expected to associate your identity with the military and be proud of it. Anything less and you’ll be ostracized by the group and bullied at work.
8. “Dispensing of Existence: Since the group has an absolute or totalist vision of truth, those who are not in the group are bound up in evil, are not enlightened, are not saved, and do not have the right to exist; impediments to legitimate being must be pushed away or destroyed one outside the group may always receive their right of existence by joining the group; fear manipulation — if one leaves this group, one leaves God or loses their salvation/transformation, or something bad will happen to them; the group is the “elite”, outsiders are “of the world”, “evil”, “unenlightened”, etc.”
I’ve already covered this enough that I don’t feel the need to retype it. If you need more validation then go ask anyone in Special Forces how they feel about civilians.
1. Before you call make sure your computer is plugged in and turned on.
I’ve actually gotten about 6 calls from people whose monitors were black because their computers were turned off. I’ve had about 3 calls from people with unplugged computers. One person actually asked me, “Will it work if it’s not plugged in?” Don’t be that guy. It’s embarrassing for you and a waste of the help desk technician’s time.
2. If your screen freezes, then reboot your system.
What do you expect a help desk guy to do for you? There’s no unfreeze switch in the back. There’s no secret button combination that unfreezes computers. All a help desk guy is going to do is reboot your system. Save him the trouble. Save yourself the wait, and do it your self.
3. If you want to know how to add bullets to your PowerPoint or insert a picture in Word, then use the fucking Help menu.
Don’t call the help desk to find out something you could have figured out on your own in less than 15 seconds. If you ever call your help desk and ask how to use any of the Office programs, chances are they’re going to open Office on their computer, pull up the help menu, type in your question, and read what it says to you verbatim. So basically, their boss is paying them to read to you. Your laziness has reduced your I.T. technicians into overpaid nannies for illiterate adults.
If you type almost any problem into an internet search engine and find the answer to even the most obscure problems in minutes.
4. If your internet connection is down, or your mouse or keyboard stopped working, make sure your wires are plugged in.
80% of problems with network connections and peripherals can be solved by jiggling the cables. If you call the help desk they’re going to ask you to jiggle cables. Now that you know it, do it yourself before you call.
5. If your account is locked out don’t tell the help desk that you have no idea how it got locked.
I’ll tell you how it got locked. You put in your password wrong too many times. The more you try to deny that you’re responsible the dumber you’ll look in the eyes of the nerds in the help desk. Do you want to be looked down upon by nerds? No. If you want to minimize the shame of getting locked out of your account then minimize the time the help desk guy has to spend unlocking it. You can minimize the time by wasting everyone’s time with transparent excuses.
6. Don’t yell at the help desk because your computer is broken.
It’s not their fault. In fact, the help desk technician is the last person you want to yell at, because he’s the only one who can help you. And think about this. Every call the help desk guy gets all day is from some frustrated idiot at his wit’s end. You’re the 10th today and the millionth in his life. The help desk technician is not in the mood to deal with your shit.
I’ve put many angry customers on hold for no reason and bullshitted with my coworkers while the guy on the line fumed. If I had to go out to the person’s workstation to help them I’d wait anywhere from 30 minutes to a day before helping them. On a few occasions, I even told them that a fixable problem was unfixable. For really nice customers I’ve taken their systems home and worked their problem on my off time or hooked them up with extra software or hardware. The helpdesk technician is not your punching bag. He’s a human being, and you need him.
7. Don’t explain how important it is that your problem gets fixed.
The technician doesn’t care, and your babbling is only keeping him from fixing your important problem. If you absolutely must explain how important your work is, then only do it once.
On a related note, know that if the technician says your hard drive has exploded and there’s no hope of salvaging your data…you can not get the technician to change his mind by repeating over and over how important it is that you get your data back. If a doctor told you that your spouse was dead you wouldn’t stand there repeating to the doctor how important it is for you to get your spouse back. Face the facts. Move on. Back up your data next time.
8. If you know anything about computers, then don’t try to impress the technician with how much you know.
And don’t try to start a dick waving competition about who knows more about computers or who has the better home computer. You will only make yourself look like a dick, annoy your technician, waste the time he could be using to fix your problem, and cause him to give you worse service now and in the future.
9. Try to describe the actual problem you’re having.
This means taking ten seconds to analyze your screen and at least read labels correctly. I don’t know how many times someone has called me because they say they can’t log in to their computer, but when I get to their office they’re logged in. They just can’t get to a website. I had one guy call up and say he deleted the Internet. The whole damned thing.
Just because your internet connection doesn’t work, doesn’t mean that the entire building’s internet connection is down. Before you tell the technician the building’s internet is down, ask the person next to you if they have a connection. I understand that everyone can’t be tech savvy, but explaining what is right in front of you falls more under common sense than tech sense. Use common sense. Take the time to analyze the problem you’re having if only enough to describe it accurately. It will help the technician help you.
10. Rewards your helpdesk technician
Unless you’re the old lady who gives the help desk candy all the time, or you’re the hot young girl who wears low cut shirts, your help desk technicians hate you and don’t want to serve you because you’re an idiot who makes their lives hell.
They only help you for the money, and they don’t get paid enough to make dealing with you worth it. They would quit and get a better job, but they’ve got bills to pay just like everyone else. So they man up and take shit from idiots day in and day out like good, hard-working adults are supposed to.
Try to look at life from their point of view. They deal with real, catastrophic tech problems day in and day out. The more time they can spend on real problems and the less time they have to spend on wiping stupid, lazy people’s asses the better they’ll be able to improve everyone’s computing experience. So try to fix your problem yourself before calling. If you do have to interact with technicians then get to the point, shut up and let them do their job. And give them candy.
When modern American conservatives use the term “traditional family values” they’re not referring to “the way everyone here has always done things.” They mean “the way we do things right now.” And when they say “we” they mean “white, upper middle-class American Christians.”.
I don’t think it’s fair to everyone else for them to use the word “traditional,” because it only refers to the traditions of one group of people living in one country. It’s ignorant to demand all the people in the most diverse country in the world to follow “traditional” values… especially when you want them to follow your traditions instead of their own. Secondly, this one sliver of one country’s population has 3,000 years of traditions spanning several continents. And the traditions of that one culture has been changing for 3,000 years. So which stage of that cultural development should we stick with? Let’s analyze the history to figure out which time period they’re getting their traditions from.
In early middle eastern culture, when you got a wife you would have to pay the father a “bride price.” In some parts of Turkey, this is still required. I’m sure there are other places too. In modern times the concept of the bride price has been defended by saying it’s a gift to the parents or it proves you can provide for the wife. But you’re giving money to a person and getting a wife in return. That’s called buying. The people who wrote the Torah got their wives through paying a bride price. So the husband owned the wife, and he owned slaves too. He was allowed to beat both of them, and he was obligated to kill his wife if she was unfaithful. And he could kill his child if he/she was disobedient. Here’s an excerpt from Exodus 21:7-11:
“If a man sells his daughter as a servant, she is not to go free as menservants do. If she does not please the master who has selected her for himself, he must let her be redeemed. He has no right to sell her to foreigners because he has broken faith with her. If he selects her for his son, he must grant her the rights of a daughter. If he marries another woman, he must not deprive the first one of her food, clothing and marital rights. If he does not provide her with these three things, she is to go free, without any payment of money.”
When Republicans refer to a “traditional” family, this is the earliest stage of that traditions. So technically speaking, values that stray from this model are liberal and heretical.
Fast forward a thousand years past Jesus’s death and observe Europe. Bride prices were largely replaced with dowries, which was a gift to the husband’s family. The dowry served two purposes. One, since women didn’t work they were a financial burden. The dowry offset the cost of keeping a woman. It also bribed men into marrying women since it was shameful to be unmarried. Still, love was rarely a reason to get married. It mainly about money and networking. Husbands were still the head of the household and could beat their wives and children. Wives were housewives. Even if they wanted to get a job they had very limited rights to work since the Bible established them as second-class citizens. The wedding ring came from Egypt a few hundred years after Jesus died, but they were made out of hemp at first, later became iron, later became gold. Rubies were the gem of choice for a while. Oddly, in 1 Timothy chapter 2, it says Christian women shouldn’t wear gold or pears but wedding rings are now gold. The Quakers don’t wear gold rings though because they follow the Bible better than most people. England outlawed slavery within its borders in 1102 A.D. but didn’t make slave trade illegal until 1802. So slaves were still a part of the family well after Jesus died, which isn’t surprising because Jesus gave slavery his blessing by saying to treat your slaves well.
If you’re of Italian descent your pre-Christan era ancestors had another interesting Tradition. In a Roman household when a child was born the husband picked up the child to signify that he would accept it and allow it to live. If he didn’t pick it up the baby was killed or left to die. Romans also had slaves in the house. If your ancestors are from a Nordic country then in your ancestor’s traditional family they stole their wives from villages they pillaged.
Fast forward to the early years of the United States. Nothing much has changed. You could still own slaves, but you could only beat your wife with a rod as thick as your thumb. You could still beat your children, but you wouldn’t want to hurt them too bad, because they were put to work before the age of ten, and that was expected. Your elders lived with you until they died. Women were still second-class citizens and couldn’t vote, which was really the least of their problems as they were expected to be subservient to their husbands, which everyone believed was justified because not only did the book of Genesis say women were flawed but early Americans believed that science proved that since women had smaller brains they were biologically inferior to men. Women were expected to be barefoot in the kitchen and pregnant. Children were not allowed to question their parents no matter how idiotic their parents were.
And here we are today. If you’re a conservative American Christian, your great, great, great grandparents and every generation of your family before them, would view your beliefs about family as insanely liberal and a disgrace to God. Your great, great, great grandchildren and every generation after them, will look back at your generation and view your values as archaic and ridiculous as you view your great, great, great grandparents’ values.
Regardless of how funny and ironic that is, it’s beside the point. The point is that the conservative American concept of a traditional family is a figment of the imagination. It only reflects the traditions of one sliver of the American population, and it doesn’t even accurately reflect the traditions of that culture, at least, not if you go back more than half a lifetime.
Note: Whenever I quote the bible I’m quoting the New International Version.
1. “You shall have no other Gods before me.”
If a modern day Christian child were to ask their parents the question, “Why did God say you shall have no other God before me if He’s the only god?” A modern day Christian parent might reply that it’s a figure of speech.
No, it’s not, and two sentences later the author of Exodus makes that clear. Here’s Yahweh’s reasoning for why He only wants you to worship him: “You shall not bow down to them or worship them; for I, the LORD your God, am a jealous God, punishing the children for the sin of the fathers to the third and fourth generation of those who hate me, but showing love to a thousand generations of those who love me and keep my commandments.” Why should you only worship Yahweh? Because he’s jealous of the other gods. Not because he’s the only god.
More importantly, if you don’t worship him he’ll torment you and all your descendants. Don’t overlook the significance of the Jewish tribal leaders who wrote the Ten Commandments threatening their tax-payers’ family. In near prehistoric times (and especially for nomads) family life was all you had. Your family was absolutely everything. To threaten an ancient Jew’s family was a billion times harsher of a threat than to threaten a modern American’s family. Think about how serious that is. That’s how seriously the Jewish religious leaders wanted control.
2. “You shall not make for yourself an idol in the form of anything in heaven above or on the earth beneath or in the waters below.”
This is pretty ingenious. First, it directly ends the problem the Jewish religious leaders had been having of people worshiping any shiny statue that impressed them. Secondly, if you don’t have a shiny statue to worship then how are you going to commune with god? Through the religious leaders of course.
3. “You shall not misuse the name of the LORD your God, for the LORD will not hold anyone guiltless who misuses his name.”
Let’s simplify things, every time you see the word LORD, replace it with GOVERNMENT, because LORD is GOVERNMENT in the time and place were talking about. So this commandment is really saying, “You will not question the government or you will be punished.”
4. “Remember the Sabbath day by keeping it holy.”
The military has an ingenious way of indoctrinating its members. When soldiers walk outside they have to put their hat on. When they walk inside they have to take their hat off. The reasoning for that rule isn’t to keep the sun out of soldiers’ eyes or to keep them from looking tacky inside. This rule exists because it prevents soldiers from forgetting that they belong to the military, and it forces them to police each other. The Sabbath works the same way. It’s a weekly reminder never to forget that your theocracy rules your life. Other than that, it serves absolutely no productive purpose.
5. “Honor your father and your mother so that you may live long in the land the LORD your God is giving you.”
This commandment is written in Exodus 20:12. Exodus 21:17 says, “Anyone who curses their father or mother is to be put to death.”
Deuteronomy 21:18-21 says, “If a man has a stubborn a rebellious son who will not obey the voice of his father or the voice of his mother, and, though they discipline him, will not listen to them, then his father and his mother shall take hold of him and bring him out to the elders of his city at the gate of the place where he lives, and they shall say to the elders of the city, ‘This our son is stubborn and rebellious; he will not obey our voice; he is a glutton and a drunkard.’ Then all the men of the city shall stone him to death with stones.”
This commandment establishes the elder’s power over the young. It also justifies and indoctrinates the cultural values the Jews were already practicing.
6. “You shall not murder.”
This is the first commandment that lays down a functional civil law, and what civil law is more important than not killing each other? If any group of people were to sit down and come up with laws for society, this is the first law they would all come up with first. In fact, other governments around the world have come to the same conclusion without Yahweh’s divine inspiration. It’s certain this law existed in Jewish culture before the person who wrote the Ten Commandments was born..
7. “You shall not commit adultery.”
Biblical marriage law is based on the premise that men buy their wives from their father in-laws, and women are property to be owned and controlled completely by their husband. That means adultery is equivalent to stealing property. That’s why forbiding adultery was so important to the authors of the Ten Commandments that he had to put it in the top 10 list.
8. “You shall not steal.”
This is another rule that makes good civic sense. It doesn’t take God to come up with this rule, and it was almost certainly around long before the Ten Commandments. Why else would the Hebrew language have the word “steal?” Or do you believe that word wasn’t invented until Yahweh revealed to the Jewish leaders that stealing was wrong?
9. “You shall not give false testimony against your neighbor.”
This rule doesn’t say, “Don’t lie.” It doesn’t say, “You shall not give false testimony to your neighbor.” It expressly says, “…against your neighbor.” It’s saying you will not lie about your neighbor.
In Jewish culture at the time, your personal reputation and your family’s reputation basically determined your status in society. That’s why preserving peoples’ reputations was one of the top ten priorities of the authors of The Ten Commandments This law reveals yet again that the Ten Commandments are culturally, as opposed to divinely, inspired.
10. “You shall not covet your neighbor’s house. You shall not covet your neighbor’s wife, or his manservant or maidservant, his ox or donkey, or anything that belongs to your neighbor.”
This is the most morally bankrupt commandment in the list. It relegates women to pieces of property less valuable than a house but more valuable than a common slave or a donkey. Either that’s how much the creator of the universe considers women are worth or that’s how much one ancient Middle Eastern tribe once considered women were worth.
But that’s beside the real point of the commandment. Why was this commandment necessary? Commandment #8 already said not to steal. So if you’re not going to steal then what’s wrong with just wanting stuff? Because people who don’t want a better life are easiest to control.
Note 1: All women are different. You need to communicate with yours to find out exactly what she wants, but if you don’t have a chance to ask, or she won’t tell you, then this guide is a good starting point.
Note 2: This guide is pretty long. So here’s a short summary if you don’t have time to read the whole thing: Get her in the mood. Turn her on and make her feel special and relaxed. Then lick, kiss, and caress around her vagina for a minute or two. Spend the rest of the time licking her clit rhythmically and rubbing the index finger in and out of her vagina while pressing against the roof. Start slow and gradually speed up, but don’t go too fast. When you find something that works, stick with it until she cums. After she’s done, cuddle with her.
Step 1: Get Her in the Mood
It doesn’t take much more than the sight of a woman to get a man in the mood, and men can have a powerful orgasm by having sex with a woman they’re not emotionally or physically attracted to. Women can too, but as a general rule, their bodies work a little different.
Women’s bodies are more tied to their minds. This means the better they feel emotionally, the better their orgasms will be. In fact, if a woman feels unsafe and insecure enough going into a sexual encounter, then her locked up mind will lock up her body as well, and she might not be able to have an orgasm at all. If you go down on her the right way she might still be able to have an orgasm despite her anxieties, but in order to give her the best orgasm possible you need to get her in the mood first.
If you’ve been with the same woman for a long time you’re obviously not going to spend hours setting the mood every time you’re intimate, but you can always do something, and every bit helps. If you have a one night stand or somehow suddenly find yourself in the position to go down on a girl and haven’t all day to woo her, you can still at least tell her the things that make her feel special and romanced. Here are a few techniques for getting a girl in the mood:
2: Compliment her. Tell her she’s beautiful and special. She put a lot of work into looking nice; compliment whatever she put the most effort into.
3: Talk to her in the morning and tell her you’re going to pamper and tease her all night and give her an epic orgasm. Tell her to think about that all day.
4: Sext her throughout the day and tell her erotic things.
5: Tell her you love her or at least that she’s important to you.
6: Touch her erotically and teasinglyperiodically throughout the day or over the course of a few hours before anyone gets naked.
7: Give her a gift. Anything is better than nothing. If the gift is delivered to her in front of her friends and/or frenemies then you win.
8: Take her out for a nice dinner at a classy place or cook her a classy meal. Or just give her one chocolate strawberry. Anything.
9: Create a romantic environment that engages as many of the senses as possible. Use candles, music, aromas, dim lights, soft fabric, and make sure the room is clean and classy.
10: Watch a sexy movie.
11: Get her to read some erotic fiction or you could read it to her yourself.
12: Give her a full body erotic massage.
The last item in this list is important enough to emphasize. Giving a girl a full body erotic massage is possibly the best thing you can do to prime her mind and body before going down on her. It gives her time to acclimate to being naked. It shows her that you care. It relaxes her body, which in turn eases any mental anxiety she may have, which in turn makes her body more willing and able to experience a full orgasm later. Plus, an erotic massage is obviously going to get anyone horny. The longer she’s horny the more the delayed gratification will build up inside of her.
Again, you don’t have to spend all day wooing and massaging a woman to give her a good orgasm, but the bigger the build-up, the better the orgasm. If you skip all of this and just go down on her right away there will be little to no build up and thus no pressure to release, and she might still be holding onto anxieties from a hard day’s work or insecurities about her body or her decision to share herself with you.
Step 2: The Approach
Once your girl’s clothes start coming off, you need to read her emotional needs to decide how she wants you to transition from kissing to performing cunnilingus. Sometimes it’s best to go down on her aggressively before she even has all of her clothes off. Sometimes it’s best to kiss every curve on her body first and tease her by grazing past her nether region teasingly over and over before settling down.
The important thing to remember here is that you don’t master sex by memorizing women’s pressure points and then striking them in the right sequence. Sex is less like Karate and more like Tango. Sex isn’t something you do to someone else. It’s something you do together; it’s a dance. Good tango dancing requires the dancing partners to read each other, communicate with each other and play off each other. In really good tango the dancers aren’t just performing synchronized calisthenics. They’re connected on an emotional level, and they express their shared emotional experience through the movements of their bodies. That’s how good sex happens. So if you want my advice on how to transition from kissing a girl’s lips to putting your head between her legs, I would say, “Listen to the music, and dance your way there.“
Once you’re finally ready to go down on her, lay her on her back. There are lots of creative positions you can perform cunnilingus from, and they’re all worth exploring, but for a girl to have the best orgasm possible she needs to be able to relax and concentrate on nothing but you going down on her. She can’t be any more relaxed than when she’s laying flat on her back with a pillow behind her head and one under her butt. I don’t know why, but elevating women’s hips seems to help them achieve orgasm. So laying her flat on her back with her hips propped up is a reliable go-to position.
Step 3: Stimulate the Labia
When you finally get your head between her legs you have 1-2 minutes to be creative and do whatever you want. Don’t worry about technique right now. You can kiss, caress and lick anywhere in and around the pussy however you want. There’s no wrong way to do this. You just need to be sensual and physically express your passion. This is emotionally satisfying for her, and it stimulates blood flow to her sex organs, which will prime them to achieve orgasm. You only want to do this for a minute or two though, because random, chaotic movements, no matter how sensual they are, aren’t likely to give a girl an orgasm.
After you’ve given the groin area a sweet meet and greet you’re ready to get a little more scientific with your technique. Start from the outside of the vagina and work your way inward beginning with the labia majora. Lick your thumbs and her labia majora until it’s completely wet. Here’s why you’re worried about moistening both your thumbs and the labia majora. Next time you’re in the bathroom, rub your thumb on the mirror. Notice how rough that is? Now lick your thumb and rub it on the mirror. Notice how much smoother that is? Now lick your thumb and the mirror, and rub your thumb on the mirror where you licked it. Notice how that feels even smoother? That’s what the girl is feeling between her legs. Also, jam a cactus between your legs sometime. That’s what a girl feels when you go down on her with a five-o’clock shadow.
Once you’ve got the labia majora wet, massage it and the surrounding area lightly with your thumbs. Do small, fluid circles or slide your thumbs up and down the length of the lips for 10-30 seconds eventually working your way to rubbing the inner lips (the labia minora) without penetrating the vagina. Slower movements are usually better than faster movements.
There are two reasons why you’re massaging on and around the labia. First of all, the girl probably isn’t wet enough inside for you to stick your finger in her vagina, and you’re going to need to stick a finger or two inside her eventually. Even if your fingers are covered in enough lube to make up for her being dry, you should still let her get wet on her own, because getting wet is her body’s way of saying she’s ready for penetration. Massaging the labia will help her vagina moisten and relax.
The other reason it’s important to massage her labia is because when her vagina gets attention inside and out she’ll have a stronger orgasm. Think of a blowjob. Just having your dick sucked is great by itself, but if the girl massages you’re balls in the process, then so much the better. Massaging her labia is sort of equivalent to massaging your balls. You don’t want to focus all your attention there, but she’s missing out if it’s ignored completely.
Step 4: Stimulate the Clitoris
After spending 1-3 minutes doing your meet and greet and massaging the labia majora and minora you’re ready to proceed to Step 4. At the beginning of this step, you’re actually going to be licking the clit at the same time as you’re massaging the labia.
If you don’t know where the clit is, stick one finger inside the girl’s vagina. Now trace that finger straight up pulling your finger out of the vagina. Keep moving your finger straight upwards along her skin in the direction of the belly button. About a quarter of an inch above the opening of the vagina your finger should snag on a little hood-shaped piece of skin. When that happens the tip of your finger should be pointing directly at the clit under the hood. The clit should feel like a small bump. If you can’t find it on your own it’s better to ask for directions than to never get there, because if you can’t get there then she won’t get to cum. I can’t stress this enough, the clit is the whole point of going down on a girl, and until you get there you’re missing the point.
When you get there, don’t try to be creative. I’ve read in several men’s magazines that a great way to make a girl cum is to spell out the alphabet with your tongue on the clit. I’m convinced they tell you this to make sure you remain sexually inept so you have to keep buying men’s magazines for advice. The alphabet thing doesn’t work because it’s not rhythmic.
Women need constant rhythm to orgasm just like men. When you get a blowjob or a hand job, you don’t want the girl to be stroking you chaotically and licking you all over the place randomly the whole time. You want her to give you rhythmic strokes that get progressively faster without ever getting too fast, and once she gets to a good pace you don’t want her to change anything, because when you’re right on the verge of cumming and all of a sudden the girl starts doing something different you’ll be laying there screaming in your head, “Damn, you were almost there! I was obviously enjoying that. So why did you stop doing that?!” The same thing happens to girls.
You don’t have to worry about her getting bored with what you’re doing. She won’t. Pretty much all she needs you to do is go up and down with your tongue like the Karate Kid painting a fence or like turning a light switch on and off with your tongue. If you cut the tendon on the bottom of your tongue on your bottom row of teeth then you’re going way too crazy with your tongue.
Licking side to side with your tongue may feel good to her, but your tongue will get tired faster than licking up and down. So that technique is better suited for the meet and greet phase than getting down to business.
The only other technique that most girls like is having you suck their clit sort of like you’re giving a blowjob to a tiny penis. You can suck it up and down or suck it between your lips and then, while you have it trapped there, lick it with your tongue like a tiny lollipop. You can really get a good grip on a clit that way, especially if/when they harden, which happens to some girls the closer they are to cumming.
Whatever you do, start off lightly and slowly. The clit tends to be sensitive at first. Plus, women need to settle into the experience of being gone down on and get their thoughts straight. Think about this: If a girl grabbed your flaccid penis and started stroking it as hard and as fast as she could you would not be happy about that (most of the time). But if a girl did a strip tease for you, then kissed your body up and down before giving you a slow, sensual blowjob that gradually sped up to fucking-speed….then you would have a memorable orgasm. Girls’ minds and bodies work the same way.
Step 5: Fingering
So you’ve been licking the clit and massaging the labia for a minute or two. In this time you’ve increased the speed of your licking a little. If you’re lucky, the girl will give you a sign that it’s time to step it up a notch: moaning, heaving, wetness, hardened nipples or the clit hardening and growing minutely taller. You won’t always get a clear sign though. A day will come when you’ll just have to guess.
You could always ask, but it might kill the mood. Then again, if you’re completely lost, you’re already killing the mood. If you do have to ask, don’t ask apologetically and insecurely. Ask confidently or playfully. You can ask her forcefully if that’s the tune you’ve been dancing to. Just find a way to work it into your dance.
After massaging the labia and licking the clit for a minute or two, stop massaging the labia. Then take the hand that you write with and lick the fingers you’re going to stick into the vagina. You want to use the hand you write with, because you have more control of that hand, and it’ll take longer to get tired. Don’t lube your fingers up with lube, because that would keep you away from the clit too long, and that will give the girl time to cool down, which neither of you want. Get your fingers as wet as possible as quickly as possible, and then insert one or two fingers into the vagina with your palm facing up.
You want this to be comfortable for the girl. So don’t try to cram as many fingers in as possible. You might even want to start with one and work your way up to two or three after her vagina loosens up, but only use three fingers if they fit easily. If you’re unsure how many fingers you should use, then only use one. You might think one finger is too little because it doesn’t fill her up, but you don’t need to fill her up. You need to rub the roof of the vagina without hurting her.
Once you start fingering the vagina with your writing-hand, then your non-writing-hand is just going to get in your way if you try to keep stimulating the labia with it. You can use that hand to lift the girl’s ass to help you reach her clit or play with her breasts or caress her wherever. Do whatever you want. Just know that if you do too much with that hand you run the risk of distracting her from what your tongue is doing.
Before your finger penetrates the vagina, you should tease her opening. Stick the tip in and out playfully. Then stick your finger in up to your knuckle a few times. Then slide your finger all the way in. Feel free to do this for a whole minute. Teasing the vagina by penetrating it in stages helps the girl’s mind and body acclimate to being penetrated. So instead of being shocked by having a foreign object unceremoniously crammed inside her, she’ll yearn for your finger to go deeper and deeper into her personal space. The emotional comfort and delayed gratification will give her a better orgasm. If you do this too long, it will dry out her vagina and start to chafe.
Once you get your finger/s all the way in you can give her vagina an internal meet and greet by caressing her tunnel however you think will convey your passion for her… for a minute at most. After the initial internal meet and greet, don’t bother rubbing the bottom or the sides of the vagina. Don’t bother making circles to touch all 360 degrees of the tunnel unless the girl is really tight and you need to loosen the vagina up for sex afterward. Don’t worry about reaching the very back of the vagina. There’s not a pot of gold back there. The trick isn’t to go deep. The trick is to be sensual and to cover the length of the G-spot.
Don’t get stressed out about finding its exact location; it’s not a point like the clit. It should reallybe called “the G area,” and that area is the roof of the vagina just past the opening. If your fingertips feel ridges on the roof of the vagina then you’re probably there, but every girl feels different. The G-spot is unlikely to be deeper than one inch past the opening. Sometimes it can be immediately past the opening on the inner lip of the pubic bone.
Here’s a reliable way to hit the G-spot. Insert your finger all the way in her vagina with your palm facing up. Then slide your finger all the way out while pressing your finger against the roof. When you do that it will be impossible to miss the G-spot.
Another way to find the G-spot is to stick your index finger just inside the vagina and press upwards, then hold your finger there while you lick her clit. She may rock her hips until your finger hits the right spot. Even if she couldn’t tell you where her G-spot is, she’ll know when you hit the spot that feels good. Then you’ll know exactly where her pleasure spot is. If she doesn’t wiggle into position, then you won’t learn anything or accomplish anything by motionlessly holding your finger against the roof of her vagina. So you may want to try this technique for a few seconds and abandon it if it doesn’t yield any results.
Don’t finger-bang the vagina unless you know she likes it rough or she keeps gyrating her hips to simulate being finger banged. If she does, then oblige her, but beware that finger banging too soon can wear our your arm muscles veryquickly. You don’t want to get her worked up and then have to stop using your hands altogether. That will be disappointing to her and set back her progress towards orgasm.
Here’s another reason you should be wary of finger-banging. Think about getting a hand job. There’s a point where the girl can stroke you so fast that you don’t feel anything and/or the friction numbs your cock. The same thing can happen to a girl.
When in doubt, don’t finger bang. Just keep sticking your finger all the way in and pulling it all the way out (while pressing against the roof of the vagina) or give the roof a rhythmic, sensual massage like you’re massaging a flower. You can change things up a little by sliding your fingers to the left and right like a snake slithering. You can also just massage the roof in circles like massaging your temples when you have a headache. The wildest you should possibly get is twisting your wrist back and forth so that your fingers make a corkscrew motion.
You can do combinations of these techniques, but don’t keep switching it up. If you do one method, do it for a while. If you change, stick with that for a while. Give her time to get into what you’re doing. And make sure that whatever you’re doing you do it fluidly. Herky-jerky motions won’t get you anywhere. If she’s responding well to what you’re doing then don’t change.
Once you’ve got all this going on just keep doing it. You’ll want to slowly increase the speed of your licking. You’ll also want to increase the speed of your fingers… but not by much.
At the beginning of this step it was okay to give the clit long, full strokes with your tongue, but as you get closer to orgasm you need to speed up your licks and press against the clit harder with your tongue. Licking the clit too fast is like getting a hand job that’s too fast. It may be too fast for her to really feel. Pressing harder is almost always better than licking faster. Whatever speed you choose, keep your licks rhythmic. It helps to keep your breathing rhythmic.
Step 6: The Orgasm
There are several ways you can tell a girl is about to orgasm. Her clit may become very hard. The inside of her vagina might expand noticeably. She might grab your head and start screaming, or her body might tense up and spasm violently.
There are a few different ways you can finish a girl off that produce different kinds of orgasms. Use the one that seems most appropriate for the mood.
The first method is the easiest and is a good choice for beginners. As soon as your girl experiences the first shaking blast of her orgasm, keep licking her clit, but do it a little slower and lighter. The reason for doing that is because when a girl orgasms, her clit becomes too sensitive to touch. If you keep mashing on it with your tongue, it will feel painful.However, if you lighten up your touch, you can keep stimulating it a little longer, which will give the girl a longer (and possiblymultiple) orgasms.
The second method gives a girl a short and powerful orgasm, but it’s risky. As soon as she experiences the first shaking blast of her orgasm, start licking her clit at full speed using the tip of your tongue. With the fingers you have inside her, press a little harder against the roof, and speed up a little, but keep all of your motions rhythmic.
When she finally orgasms, keep licking at full speed, and finger bang her. Keep doing this until she pushes your head away from her. This is tricky, because of how sensitive the clit becomes after an orgasm, just like how the head of the penis becomes very sensitive after a man orgasms. So if you stay on the clit too long and hard you can hurt a woman, but if you let off too early you ruin the best part of the orgasm.
Regardless of which method you use, the clit willeventually become too sensitive to stimulate.However, you may still be able to apply static pressure on her clit pressing the back of your tongue or the palm of your hand on it and holding it there with firm pressure. If she moves her hips then let her, but don’t do anything yourself. After 5-30 seconds she’ll have gotten all she can out of her orgasm and will relax. Then you can move away.
Also be aware that during moments when her clit is too sensitive to touch, the inside of her vagina won’t be, and being penetrated during/after an orgasm can be extremely pleasurable for most women. So after she cums and you stop licking, consider leaving your finger/s inside her and give her heaving, sweeping motions against her walls with your fingers for a few more seconds. Sometimes she may want to be finger banged after her orgasm.
After you pull your face away from her vagina, pull your body up next to her and embrace her in your arms. This post-orgasmic afterglow heightens the experience for most women. It lets her know this wasn’t a purely physical experience for you, and therefore it allows the orgasm to be physical and emotional.
This is no small matter. If a girl had to choose between a night of a guy making her glow emotionally and a guy making her glow physically, she’d probably choose the emotionally satisfying evening. To girls, the emotional connection made during sex or foreplay is often the main reason to have sex or engage in foreplay. So I reiterate, if you’re going to go through all this trouble to please her physically, then go to the same lengths to make the experience as emotionally pleasing.
While you’re laying next to her you can stick one of your legs in between hers so that your thigh presses up against her clit. Don’t rub your thigh up and down her clit, because her clit will still be sensitive. Don’t worry about how strategically your thigh is placed in her crotch. Just press it up there. By applying pressure with your thigh you’ll continue to keep her sexual excitement from fading away the same way you did with your tongue. She’ll love the fact that you’re helping her hold onto her orgasm. Plus, it’ll show her that you really do know what you’re doing.
Instead of pressing your thigh against her clit you could also mount her in a missionary position and press the base of your cock against her clit, but don’t penetrate the vagina. Just press and hold it against the clit. If she gyrates her hips to rub her clit against the base of your cock then let her, but be hesitant to rub back unless she’s rubbing you so hard it’s obvious that her clit is no longer too sensitive for friction.
A note to men who don’t want to go down on girls:
What I’m about to say is just my opinion. You don’t have to agree with me, but it’s worth contemplating.
It’s perfectly understandable how a guy could be a little grossed out by a woman’s vagina and hesitant to put their mouth on it. There are a lot of different kinds of secretions down there. However, they’re really no worse than what a woman is going to have in her mouth when she gives a blowjob. And really, when you have sex you’re both wallowing in bodily fluids and gasses. Being bashful about bodily fluids is just kidding yourself and holding both of you back from enjoying the fullness of sexual intimacy. None of those juices are going to hurt you. After having sex enough times you’re going to realize that and throw your inhibitions out the window eventually. So you may as well go ahead and take the plunge.
Going down on a girl is about more than just swapping bodily fluids and eliciting a chemical reaction in each other’s pleasure organs. Look at it from the girl’s point of view. Her vagina is her most private, most sacred part of her body. Very few people in all of eternity will ever get to see or touch it. So getting to go down on her is a privilege that you should be honored to experience. So don’t view going down on a girl as an icky challenge. View the opportunity as a sincere and flattering compliment.
That’s reason enough to be willing to go down on a girl, but you should be eager to go down on a girl because it’s one of the most intimate ways you can show her how much you care about her. If your girl is important to you, then her pleasure and her emotions should be important to you. Going down on her is a chance for you to express your passion for her in a way that she’ll feel all the way down to the center of her core.Frankly, if she’s not important enough to you for you to get over your oral sex anxiety, then she deserves better than you.
A note to women who don’t want men to go down on them:
Ladies, I’m not trying to lecture you on how you should view or share your body. I just want to share some thoughts with you from the male perspective. I know a lot of you feel bashful about letting men see or touch your naked body let alone allowing them to put their mouth on your vagina.
It’s natural to have insecurities, and you know better than men what goes on between your legs. You might be ashamed of your own vagina, and you might not believe that a man would actually want to put their tongue on or in it. As I mentioned before, yes, there are some men who feel that way, but they’re mostlysexually inexperienced men who will grow out of it or they’ve been brainwashed by religion to fear and loathe sexuality. In that case, the problem isn’t you. The problem is that they’ve been duped into believing in mythology that reflects the values of primitive tribesmen and not reality.
In reality, your body is a treasure. Your vagina is a treasure, and any man who gets to go down on you is the luckiest man in the world. Mature men recognize that, and mature lovers truly, truly want to show you how much joy you bring into their life by channeling that joy through your clitoris until it fills up your pleasure core to the point of exploding and shaking all of your limbs with a full body orgasm. There are very few joys in this world equal to the satisfaction it brings a man when he gives the woman he cares about an orgasm. So on behalf of every mature lover out there, I beg you. Don’t let your insecurities come between us. Let us return the joy you give us. Let us connect with you on that most intimate of levels. Let us go down on you.
Other technical pointers:
1: Always wash your hands before fingering a girl, especially if you give her a massage and have lotion all over your hands. Dirty hands can be painful and cause infections.
2: Trying to fit both your hands and your face between a girl’s legs comfortably can be difficult. If you just absolutely don’t have enough room to maneuver and are so uncomfortable that you’re getting frustrated, you can have her rest her ass on a pillow, which will give you more room. You can also move your head a little closer to her belly button. You might be surprised how far up her abdomen you can put your head and still be able to lick her clit.
3: If a girl ever stops you while you’re going down on her and says something like, “You got me so hot. I can’t wait any longer. Put it in me now!” Sometimes she means exactly what she says, but sometimes that’s just a nice way of saying, “You’re not going down on me correctly, and I’m not going to cum. So let’s go ahead and skip to the sex.” This could lead you to believe that what you’re doing is working great, when it’s really not, which is why it’s so important to communicate outside of the bedroom.
4: If your tongue or jaw hurts when you’re done it just means you’re not going down on her enough. The way you build up your muscle strength is by performing more cunnilingus.
5: If you’re going down on a chubby girl, your nose may press against her stomach and make it difficult to breathe. In that case, tilt your head to the side so that one of your ears is resting on her flesh. You’ll be licking her clit from a sort of sideways angle. You won’t have as much control over the clit as you would facing it directly, but at least you’ll have at least one nostril open to breathe with. You could breathe through your mouth, but that will dry out your tongue.
6: If a girl likes having her nipples played with outside of cunnilingus, she’ll probably like having they played with during cunnilingus. For other girls, playing with her nipples distracts from what’s going on between her legs. Think about when you’re getting a blowjob. Sure, it’s nice if the girl shows you she’s getting into it by grabbing your ass and caressing your stomach a little, but those hands could be better used by fondling your balls or stroking the shaft of your cock. So if you’re going to caress her or grab her body away from her sexual organs, you may want to do it just long enough to get the point across that you’re excited by what you’re doing and then get back to stimulating her where it counts most.
7: If your girl is sexually liberated enough you can substitute a vibrator for putting your fingers inside her. If you do that, make sure you get a small vibrator, because a big one will get in the way of your chin. Also, work it inside her as gently and as rhythmically as you would with your fingers. Making it vibrate too hard or thrusting it inside her too fast or forcefully will draw her attention away from what you’re doing to her clit, and that’s bad.
8: If you’ve watched a lot of porn you’ve probably seen what I call, “the porn pat.” That’s when you slap the clit. Don’t do that. That’s bad. And don’t be like Jay from “Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back” and rub the bridge of your nose on the clit. That doesn’t do anything.
9: You can stick your tongue inside the vagina and move it in and out like you’re fucking it with your tongue, but you’re not going to bring a woman to orgasm like that. This technique is okay to do during the meet and greet stage for a few seconds to a minute. The longer your tongue is inside her, the longer your tongue isn’t on her clit.
10: Most women won’t want you to go down on them after they’ve been running around all day and sweating because their vagina will smell and taste sharp. Even if you’re really into that, she’ll likely be self-conscious about it, and that anxiety will lock up her body and prevent her from having as good of an orgasm as possible, if at all. Don’t tell her that her vagina isn’t fresh. Instead, passionately suggest taking a shower together before going down on her.
The Wise Sloth 